24/07/2026
- The 10 Rules of Biscuits -
1 When opening a packet, any broken biscuits must be consumed immediately.
2 Never dunk a biscuit for too long; you will ruin both your biscuit and your tea. Double sadness.
3 Always offer biscuits to guests, even if they claim they’re not interested (they’re probably fibbing).
4 Don’t be the person who snatches the last
biscuit of a kind unless you’re prepared to face the consequences – i.e., a new enemy.
5 Always offer a hot drink with biscuits, obviously.
6 Bring out a posh selection of biscuits (metal tin, two layers separated by a sheet of springy purple cardboard, usually called a ‘selection’) for special occasions.
7 Always pretend you haven’t seen a plate of biscuits being passed around until they’re offered to you, then act pleasantly surprised.
8 Utilise the phrases ‘I really mustn’t’, ‘Ooh, go on then’ and ‘If you’re having one’.
9 Wrap biscuits up when not in use, either by pushing the open packet up against a wall, or by using a jar, tin or box.
10 Always have more biscuits in stock than you think you need. Never run out. Running out of biscuits is like running out of air: not ideal.
From "Britain According to Very British Problems" by Rob Temple.