COPD - Celina Organized Police Department

COPD - Celina Organized Police Department COPD is dedicated to serving the community of Celina.

Our officers are highly trained professionals with one goal - protecting our citizens through whatever means necessary.

Wetzel here. Picked up one of my favorite albums from RC's Records this morning to celebrate Pride month. This guy had t...
06/02/2026

Wetzel here. Picked up one of my favorite albums from RC's Records this morning to celebrate Pride month. This guy had the voice of an angel!

Wetzel here. COPD is investigating the disappearances of multiple employees from Celina 52 Truck Stop. Normally they wou...
06/02/2026

Wetzel here. COPD is investigating the disappearances of multiple employees from Celina 52 Truck Stop. Normally they would've posted by now today but they haven't, so I can only explain this as an abduction and possibly also a homicide, and they WILL be returned safe unless it's a homicide.

Chief Officer Detective Lieutenant Todd Mcgillicutty and Officer Wetzel P. Hardin heralded the start of Charley Pride mo...
06/01/2026

Chief Officer Detective Lieutenant Todd Mcgillicutty and Officer Wetzel P. Hardin heralded the start of Charley Pride month today by unvailing a poster dedicated to him at the precinct.

Charley Pride was an incredible musician and performer and it's important to honor his legacy. Happy Pride month! 🏳️‍🌈

Today we pay homage to the late Harambe, who passed away ten years ago today due to a child's methodical incompetence. H...
05/28/2026

Today we pay homage to the late Harambe, who passed away ten years ago today due to a child's methodical incompetence.

Harambe was briefly a COPD officer in the mid 90s and will be remembered for his stern demeanor and disdain for humans. If only we could have 10 officers as good as he was.

Several residents had their meat stolen prior to starting their grill-outs today. Using a warrantless search, we've succ...
05/25/2026

Several residents had their meat stolen prior to starting their grill-outs today. Using a warrantless search, we've successfully located all of the stolen raw meat inside Kirby Wattenbarger's house. He was immediately arrested for theft.

Anyone looking to reclaim their meat so they can have their Memorial Day BBQ should make an orderly line in front of Kirby's home and we will pass it out. We appreciate your cooperation!

Tonight and tomorrow we are having a Memorial Day cookout. We're glad we are able to pull this off this year in light of...
05/24/2026

Tonight and tomorrow we are having a Memorial Day cookout. We're glad we are able to pull this off this year in light of the economy.

For a meager $30, residents will have access to premium all-you-can-eat grilled Vienna Sausages, Top Ramen, and Oscar Mayer bologna. For an extra $10, we are offering unlimited refills on Mountain Lightning.

Please do not show up if you cannot afford this event. 🇺🇸

Our annual "Drinking and Driving Zone" is open for all veterans and active military through Monday as a part of our Memo...
05/24/2026

Our annual "Drinking and Driving Zone" is open for all veterans and active military through Monday as a part of our Memorial Day weekend celebration. All other residents please enter this zone at your own risk.

Chief Officer Detective Lieutenant Mcgillicutty addressed the press corps this morning in regards to a recent trend of w...
05/22/2026

Chief Officer Detective Lieutenant Mcgillicutty addressed the press corps this morning in regards to a recent trend of watermelon theft occurring inside Clay County's grocery stores.

This organized professional theft ring has successfully stolen multiple watermelons by placing the melon within their shirt, perhaps to make it appear as if they are overweight. We are using every tool at our disposal to crackdown on this trend.

Claims of "Stolen Valor" brought us to the Celina Trailer Park today, where we questioned resident Curtis Merryweather a...
05/20/2026

Claims of "Stolen Valor" brought us to the Celina Trailer Park today, where we questioned resident Curtis Merryweather about his suspicious M65 US Army jacket.

Curtis produced a receipt to confirm proof of purchase of the jacket, and we allowed him to go on his way.

COPD has been working with the CIA to research the extra-terrestrial origins of "p**s jug man". We paraded a live specim...
05/20/2026

COPD has been working with the CIA to research the extra-terrestrial origins of "p**s jug man". We paraded a live specimen today at a news conference at Area 51.

The PJM in question repeatedly insisted it was a human and demanded we remove it's costume to confirm this. We've determined that this is nothing more than a ruse, and this PJM will remain in custody for further evaluation.

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