08/19/2025
Last week I received a request from a Cass County Jail resident that wanted to see me. My heart sank when I saw who it was.
I knew how hard he had worked while in jail using the Upstream Model™, how much progress he had made to change his life. I got to know him quite well and when released a few months ago, he seemed to be emotionally in a better place than he’d ever been.
Rather than prison, he was accepted into a program and was so excited. A few days before his release, he was notified there might be a conflict with someone who was already in the program and was concerned he couldn't go. He had requested a visit from me but when I arrived at the jail the next day I learned he had been released. Since there wasn't a release of information signed, they couldn't tell me anything at the jail or the program.
I figured if there was a problem he would have reached out since he had my contact information. I was wrong.
When I walked into the room he sat with is head in his hands on the other side of the glass.
"Hey, how you doing."
He raised his head but wouldn't look at me. His eyes were red and tears were rolling down his face.
"I'm sorry Troy. I let you down."
He started sobbing.
"You didn't let me down. You let yourself down. I still love you man. You know you're better than this, and so do I. You f**ked up, but you're not a f**k up. You're a good man. I've seen the man you are, I’ve seen what’s inside.”
"No I'm not!” He yelled as he slammed his hand on the table. “Why do I need make things as hard as they can possibly be for myself?"
He didn't get into the program but was released. He had a warrant in MN that was lifted contingent on his attending the program. He figured they would be there to get him but when he walked out the door and there was nobody there. He didn't know where to go or what to do. No money, no phone service, no car.
"Why didn't you get ahold of me?," I asked.
“I didn’t have your number. I was on foot and had to leave some stuff behind. When I went back later, it was gone. I stayed clean for 4 weeks. I found a WiFi signal in the 52nd Ave Walmart parking lot that said "Upstream" and I would sit for hours hoping to see you. Finally I just gave up. I’m sorry Troy.”��“You don’t need to apologize to me.” I said as I shook my head. “You need to apologize to yourself, forgive yourself, and move on.”
The image of him waiting for hours in hopes of seeing me tore me up. There are so many obstacles and pitfalls we don’t think of when looking from the outside in. It’s often more than simply a choice, it’s survival. When surviving, logic isn’t always our ally.�
This isn’t to be used as an excuse, but a reason - the “why.” Only when we understand the “why” can we truly understand the “how.” Without the “why” and the “how” we are only left with the “what” - what we should think, feel, and do to get better outcomes.
Changing behavior without understanding and changing what is driving behavior isn’t change, it’s compliance. And we can only comply so long before we go back to old habits.
