Northport News Network

Northport News Network Contact information, map and directions, contact form, opening hours, services, ratings, photos, videos and announcements from Northport News Network, Government Organization, Northport, AL.

The Northport News Network is an amateur team of unsophisticated journalists committed to bringing you the latest breaking news, BS, satire, facts and fiction that you may or may not need to know or care about.

Official Statement from the Northport News Network While our current Traffic Captain is seeking treatment from alcoholis...
04/13/2026

Official Statement from the Northport News Network

While our current Traffic Captain is seeking treatment from alcoholism, the N.N.N proudly introduces our new traffic Captain. Please join us in welcoming Captain Crunch to the Traffic Desk. Captain Crunch has a long history of observing Traffic Conditions and while he may have a slight alcohol problem it is nothing compared to the current Traffic Ass hat! Welcome to the team Captain Crunch.

The N.N.N is proud to welcome Captain Johnathon Silvers to our traffic team! From the age of 9, Johnathon has had a pas...
03/28/2026

The N.N.N is proud to welcome Captain Johnathon Silvers to our traffic team! From the age of 9, Johnathon has had a passion for traffic. When Johnathon is able take a break from Traffic reporting you can find Johnathon enjoying Sun Bathing in the n**e, urinating in public and studying the affects of roundabout’s in Southern Cities. While Johnathon may be no captain, he once piloted a rented pontoon boat on lake Mitchell. When asked what makes Johnathon different from other Captains, Johnathon said, “well I don’t really know, I know I’m fairly accessible and I will not post names or numbers of folks in my reports”. Please join us in welcoming Captain Johnathon Silvers to the N.N.N traffic team.

The Northport News Network has just reached out to Captain Ray concerning the traffic conditions within the Strait of Ho...
03/23/2026

The Northport News Network has just reached out to Captain Ray concerning the traffic conditions within the Strait of Hormuz. Although Ray was not able to offer his expert assistance or assessment he was able to give us a phone number to a (now de-funct) Embassy in Vietnam. Stay with the NNN for further developments

The NNN would like to issue a public apology to the Captain. It was previously reported that Captain Ray is an alcoholic...
03/23/2026

The NNN would like to issue a public apology to the Captain. It was previously reported that Captain Ray is an alcoholic and Captain Dee’s was offering a 10% discount. The NNN would like to apologize and clarify the 10% discount is with coupon only.

It’s not very often here at the NNN we have the honor and privilege of recognizing accomplishments, achievements or succ...
03/23/2026

It’s not very often here at the NNN we have the honor and privilege of recognizing accomplishments, achievements or successes. Today, the NNN has the honor and Pride to Recognize Captain Ray. This morning, President Donald J Trump proudly awarded Ray his 1st hour of sobriety chip. Most alcoholics receive this chip marking the 1st month and or year of Sobriety.
Captain Ray was Captain of the Long John Silvers 6th fleet cod fishing Vessel and once took heavy fire from local elementary school students shooting a barrage of Sparklers, Roman Candles and Variety of other Fireworks while celebrating Independence Day with family and local residents on July 4th, 1993 while fishing for Cod approximately 22 yards off the Coast of Maine. Captain Ray is most noted for his grassroots efforts of creating what is now known as the “MAGA” movement and is the largest supporter of President Donald J Trump. As an Independent journalist, Captain Ray has also worked tirelessly to report weather and traffic conditions near Mar-a-Lago. Today we salute you Mr Traffic Guy,

Captain Ray Allen is not only a veteran of Politics in the Tuscaloosa area, he is also a veteran and definition of extre...
03/22/2026

Captain Ray Allen is not only a veteran of Politics in the Tuscaloosa area, he is also a veteran and definition of extreme alcoholism and insanity within the community, a complete and utter embarrassment. While “Captain Ray (would couldn’t be a shift leader at Captain Dee’s) was never a Captain, he portrays himself as a The Traffic Guy and an amateur journalist, kinda like the N.N.N. It has come to the attention of the Northport News Network that Ray Allen is willing to share information and phone numbers of our respected Law Enforcement and this is VERY concerning to us here at the News Desk. If anyone would like to reach out to “Captain” Ray Allen his phone number is 205-886-8886. We hope Captain Ray finds the help and treatment he has much needed and that perhaps one day, he will proudly no longer be a prisoner to insanity and alcoholism. Again, his number is 205-886-8886.

Man from Cordova has just reported that Cordova is completely snowed in and all grocery stores are shutting down. While ...
03/16/2026

Man from Cordova has just reported that Cordova is completely snowed in and all grocery stores are shutting down. While this “Revenant” of Cordova reports to be well supplied he had this to say, “Y’all ain’t gettin my sh*t”. More on this story as News Develops.

Santa says, Eat yo Jello Pudding and drift off to sleep so Santa can come early”.
12/24/2025

Santa says, Eat yo Jello Pudding and drift off to sleep so Santa can come early”.

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE FROM THE N.N.N NEWS DESK!West Alabama Narcotics Division will be joining The Northport News Network...
12/24/2025

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE FROM THE N.N.N NEWS DESK!

West Alabama Narcotics Division will be joining The Northport News Network for LIVE Santa Trackings!

Stay with the Northport News Network for the latest and most current Santa Trackings! This will be a VERY FUN night!

Breaking NewsAfter last nights holiday open house, Councilman Jaime Conger is under fire for antics of giving out beads ...
12/17/2025

Breaking News

After last nights holiday open house, Councilman Jaime Conger is under fire for antics of giving out beads Mardi Gras style during the event.

In the same style, NNN plans to blow the tops off of this story as they develop

While Cold Temps and Winter Weather remain a threat to Northport, Northport Mayor Phillips had this to say to when asked...
12/14/2025

While Cold Temps and Winter Weather remain a threat to Northport, Northport Mayor Phillips had this to say to when asked by The N.N.N what preparations arw being mass for Northportians

NNN spoke with Mayor Phillips regarding the upcoming winter advisory watch. He stated that”before anyone calls City hall, please remember side streets get plowed last. However, your mom will continue to get plowed first.” That remains his priority.

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