Department of Gnomeland Security (DGS)

04/01/2019

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

The Legendary Penguin Team Six has successfully executed a rescue of the Garden Gnome known as Fid. Details are sketchy, as are most things posted here. More to follow.

03/29/2019

Oak is strong and also gives shade.

Cats and dogs each hate the other.

The pipe began to rust while new.

Open the crate but don't break the glass.

Add the sum to the product of these three.

Thieves who rob friends deserve jail.

The ripe taste of cheese improves with age.

Act on these orders with great speed.

The hog crawled under the high fence.

Move the vat over the hot fire.

03/15/2019

This photo was sent to DGS earlier this morning anonymously. DGS is currently investigating the photo as a threat to gnomes everywhere. DGS will post updates shortly.

10/31/2018

Al Gnoma has issued threats to those Infidel Gnomes who are apostate to the one true Gnome, stating: "We're looking at you, Lora."

09/28/2012

Zombie Lawn Gnomes Gnaw On Flamingo And 13 Other Crazy Lawn Ornaments (PHOTOS)

Gnomeland Security High Alert! Zombie Gnomes set loose upon the world by naive humans! Incinerate any gnome suspected of Zombism immediately!

http://www.stylelist.com/2012/09/26/zombie-lawn-gnomes_n_1917452.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Henceforth, Zombie Gnomes shall be referred to as Znomes (the 'Z' is silent).

The zombie apocalypse has finally begun. And the most unusual victim?

12/04/2011

http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF095-Gnome_Bubbles.jpg

Thank you Perry Bible Fellowship for your instructional pamphlet on Gnome Terror. Remember Gnomerica, the DGS does not negotiate with terrorists. Keep your sugar locked up and a mini-gun at your bedside.

http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF095-Gnome_Bubbles.jpg

04/04/2011

1% of all objects deposited at the late horror author HP Lovecraft's grave are gnomes.

10/04/2010

Gnomeo & Juliet Teaser

Blatant Propoganda!!! Beware!

A version of Shakespeare's play, set in the world of warring indoor and outdoor gnomes.

09/17/2010

http://m.helenair.com/news/article_fc285d0a-c158-11df-8b41-001cc4c002e0.html?mode=story

09/09/2010

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

The city of Gillette, WY is the latest city to go bat-**** crazy. This city is auctioning off more than one hundred garden gnomes in some thinly veiled attempt of eradicating the entire county of living residents. (See the whole story here.)

11/16/2009

DGS Health Policy Uberfeldenmarshalkriegsdirecktor - Armslong Feetshort announced today that 100million additional doses of Hedgehog Influenza vaccine have arrived and are immediately available to the populace. In response, Jenny McCarthy was heard to proclaim that the vaccine causes Dwarfism. No one in DGS sees this as a problem.

10/24/2009

Director Gunner Barkstoomuch issued the following statement last night: "The reports of the GLA having been behind the recent facebook changes are under investigation. " He urged Gnomericans to remain calm despite the confusion. An anonymous DGS official indicated the disaster was actually the work of the Transportation Security Administration. "No one else could make something so simple into something so difficult."

10/20/2009

A reminder to DGS Field Agents: When completing an expense form "One Night in Bangkok" can NOT be used as a single line item. Furthermore, the services of less-than-honorable-women are not a valid expense. Nor are spider monkeys. This means you Donald.

10/18/2009

Based on recent attacks in Gnomistan and intelligence gathered there, the current Security Advisory Level has been set at High - OMFG! (Oh my farking gnome!)

10/16/2009

The Gnomerican Federal Reserve Mint will be issuing commemorative Gnostrodumas Gold coins starting Dec. 1, 2009. The coins memorialize Gnostrodumas's incalculable contributions to Gnome life, such as badminton, plastic flamingoes, mailman traps and rabbits. Proceeds from coin purchase will go towards protecting the Gnomerican way.

10/12/2009

Director of Gnomeland Security Gunner Barkstoomuch was today awarded the 2009 Gnomebel Peace Prize for his work in combating terrorists and bridging the gap with nations who "You don't want to play with, but your Aunt makes you." Director Barkstoomuch reportedly will donate the $1.4 million to yet to be named charity.

10/11/2009

As Gnomes throughout the Nation celebrate the festival of Toadstool Lights, be ever vigilent while in public places and large gatherings. The Advisory System has been lowered to Elevated (Everyone Panic!) however evildoers still persist in their hatred of Gnomerica.

10/09/2009

Gnomald Gnomesfeld today stated: There are known gnomes. These are gnomes we know that we know. There are gnome unknowns. That is to say, there are gnomes that we now know we don’t know. But there are also unknown ungnomes. These are gnomes we do not know we don’t know. Subsequently the Advisory Level is High (Hide!!)

10/09/2009

The Gnomgress Select Intelligence Committee will meet Friday with the Gnomeland Intelligence Agency, Gnome Security Agency, Gnome Bureau of Investigation, Gnome Border Security Authority, and Gnome Army Corp of Engineers reference the construction of a new 2 foot tall border fence to deter illegal immigrants, fertilizer traffickers, and terrorists.

10/07/2009

Anyone found to be concealing gnomes in body cavities while trying to enter music concerts, airports, the post office and your friendly neighborhood grocer will consequently be subjected to a screening and identification process involving fingerprinting, barcoding, phonology, and laparoscopy. All data will be entered into GNCIC, filed in triplicate and postage stamps issued for philatelical purposes.

10/06/2009

While the advisory system is still at the Elevated (Everyone Panic!) level, please remember Gnomes travelling on domestic flights are limited to 3 ounces of plant food which much be in a clear container. There are no exceptions. (This means you Norman.)

10/05/2009

This message is for Gnome field-operatives in super secret under cover assignment (You know who you are.) : The salamander is fishing. At night, the buffalo swim. Good day for a bumbershoot. I am the egg man. Coo Coo Ca Choo.

10/04/2009

In reference to myriad media reports, Gunner Barkstoomuch issued the following statement: "Substantial leg work on the part of DGS Agents have narrowed the suspect list in the 'Fid' case to less than a pawfull of subjects." He declined to reveal if raids and assaults would be imminent, only stating "That is a strong poss-a-bil-I.T."

10/04/2009

Please remember: Unattended Gnomes will be immediately seized and redistributed per DGS Policy 9177b. Your attention to this matter is appreciated.

10/03/2009

Based on the latest evidence in the Fid gnomeknapping case, DGS is convinced that Fid has been captured and held against his will by lunatics suffering from Gnome Syndrome. Oh the gnomanity!

10/02/2009

Gnome syndrome - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

GNOME YOUR ENEMY! These sick perverts are on the hunt for Gnomes all across Gnomerica. Protect the Gnomeland! Remeber: Gnoming is half the battle!

“GNO MORE GNOMES!!! ”

10/02/2009

DGS wants you! ...to help us help you. Please submit gnome safety suggestions in triplicate, fill out form 1138 and deliver two copies of the third carbon copy to your nearest agent. You'll recognize him or her as the person that blends in the most. Once form 1138 has been delivered, notarized and double stamped (no backsies) present your urine sample at the main office.

10/02/2009

Gnomeland Security Director Gunner Barkstoomuch issued a brief statement today in reference to terrorist demands made by the GLA. "The Gnomeland Security Department does not negotiate with terrorists. However, feel free to post a proof of life here. "Gunner did not take questions. A spokesman on condition of anonymity however was quoted as saying the possibility of invasion was strengthening every minute.

09/30/2009

Any and all confirmed or unconfirmed sightings of missing and exploited Gnomes are to be immediately reported for investigation to the DGS.

09/29/2009

DGS Director Gunner Barkstoomuch today annouced the Gnome Liberation Army has been designated a Terrorist Organization under the Minuteman Act and subsequently added to the list of Axis of Dweebles.

09/29/2009

The Gnome Threat Level is Currently Elevated. EVERYONE PANIC!