Resp Rate Zero

Resp Rate Zero Paramedic Humour, sustained by coffee. No sleep schedule & probably overdue for a meal break

25/08/2026

You finish a job that quietly rearranges your brain chemistry.
Hours later…
Subject: Wellbeing Check-In
"Hi, just checking in after your recent job. Please remember support is available if required."
Beautiful.
Warm.
Personal.
Almost like someone actually gives a s**t.
Except it isn't personal.
It isn't even really a wellbeing check.
It's just another checkbox in the professional survival paperwork.
Job attended. ✅
Patient handed over. ✅
Trauma potentially acquired. ✅
Generic wellbeing email sent. ✅
And somewhere in a spreadsheet:
“Staff member contacted.”
There we go.
Mental health crisis successfully managed.
See you at your next traumatic incident.
Because apparently after enough years, this isn't even considered wellbeing anymore.
It's just part of the profession.

24/08/2026

Shift change.
No formal handover needed.
One look from the crew coming off tells you everything.
The exhausted stare.
The suspiciously quiet "How'd you go?"
That little eye contact that says, "Good luck. You're going to need it."
Sometimes there's a whole conversation happening without a single word.
You don't ask about the last job.
They don't tell you.
You just exchange that look, grab the keys and quietly inherit whatever fresh hell the previous crew has left behind. 🚑💀
And somehow, "Have a good shift" feels less like a farewell…
…and more like a fu***ng curse.

23/08/2026

That post-shift drive home when you pull into the driveway and think:
“Well… I definitely drove here.” 🚗💀
Don’t remember the traffic lights.
Don’t remember the turns.
Don’t remember the last 20 minutes.
Just 100% autopilot and a vague recollection of arriving alive.
Nothing says healthy work-life balance like your brain clocking off before you reach the front door. 🫠🚑

22/08/2026

There’s a very specific kind of humour that develops when you work in EMS.
Someone is actively trying to die…
The room is chaos…
Everyone is focused…
And then someone says something so unbelievably inappropriate that you have to fight for your life not to laugh.
Not because it’s funny.
Because apparently your nervous system has chosen the resus as comedy night. 💀🚑

21/08/2026

Put me in the middle of absolute chaos and somehow my nervous system goes:
“Yep. We know this one.” 😌
Put me somewhere quiet, safe and completely normal?
🚨 SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG. 🚨
Years of conditioning will have you completely calm during someone else's worst day… then lying awake at home because your brain has decided the silence is suspicious.
Apparently, peace is more terrifying than a cardiac arrest. 🧠🚑

19/08/2026

The ambulance is tired.
The tyres are tired.
The suspension is tired.
At this point, the warning lights have basically become part of the crew.
This truck has seen more trauma than some hospitals.
It's been driven through every suburb, every weather condition and approximately 47 million potholes.
But apparently…
“She’s got plenty of life left.”
Because apparently governments want world-class emergency services for Temu prices.
New ambulance?
Nah.
Just replace the part making the really concerning noise.
Turn the radio up.
Ignore the rattling.
If it starts, we're operational.
And the best part?
This isn't just happening here.
Different countries.
Different ambulances.
Same story.
Underfund it.
Run it into the ground.
Then act surprised when it breaks.
Anyway…
Who's got the jump leads?

19/08/2026

You know those patients…
The ones who question absolutely everything.
Every assessment. Every medication. Every decision.
“But my cousin’s wife’s sister has been a nurse for two years and she said…”
Ah yes.
The medical journal formerly known as your cousin. 💀
17 years in the job and somehow this is the call that finally takes 5 years off my life.
The patient isn’t critically unwell…
But my soul is. 😂

18/08/2026

That little internal eye roll.
The polite nod.
The dead-eyed stare.
While your brain is screaming:
"Fascinating. Please tell me more about the treatment guidelines you received from TikTok University."
They've watched one documentary.
They've read half a Facebook post.
Their cousin once had a blood pressure problem.
Suddenly you're receiving a full clinical management plan.
And the worst part?
You can't say what you're thinking.
So you smile.
Nod.
And quietly add another entry to the internal monologue titled:
“Things I Will Never Say Out Loud.”
Because apparently years of training and clinical experience are no match for “my friend said…”

17/08/2026

You packed lunch.
Optimistically.
Then the pager goes off.
Lunch gets reheated.
Pager goes off.
Reheat it again.
Pager.
Again.
Eventually you're not eating leftovers...
You're conducting a longitudinal study on bacterial evolution.
By the fourth attempt, the meal has developed a personality and is considering filing a workplace complaint.
And somehow, at the end of the shift, you're standing there eating cold food straight from the container thinking:
“Well… at least I got a meal break.”
Technically.

16/08/2026

17 years in the job…
The muscle memory is automatic.
The clinical skills are still there.
The compassion?
Let’s just say it’s running on low battery. 💀
You still care.
You’ve just learned that sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is stare silently at the ceiling for 10 seconds before answering another question.
17 years of night shifts, chaos, trauma and people saying,
“I’ve had this pain for 6 months but tonight felt different.”
At this point, the compassion hasn’t disappeared…
It’s just become selectively available. 😂

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Darwin, NT

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