Military Humor Store

18/10/2026

17/10/2026

THE SHOUTY MAN By Clive Ward. (No AI used)

May the quotes of the Shouty man rest in peace and rise in glory! Shrouded in Mythology, steeped in history, the Drill Sergeants Phrase Book" is said to been buried deep under a parade ground somewhere in the UK in 200BC. Will it ever be found? I doubt it!!! Today’s army and the woke world we live in now wouldn’t be able to handle it contents!! Until it’s been dug up, here’s my version!!!

Warning: Adult content and very dark humour. I warned you!!

www.clivewardauthor.com

Available on Kindle and Paperback.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0HLPRNBZV/ref=sr_1_1

17/10/2026

Check out our collection of pin badges. Perfect for display, collecting, or gifting, these pin badges represent an important moment in UK military and civil preparedness history.
https://militaryhumorstores.com/collections/pin-badges

17/10/2026

On jankers with Bertha.

16/10/2026

ROOM INSPECTION AND LOCKER INSPECTION

SGT – ‘This room is MINGING! it looks like the impact area at Larkhill.’

CSM – ‘Since when were we allowed pets in the block?’ Pointing at the window, he shouts, ‘Staff parade tonight at 2200 hrs. Show pet removed from room!’ It was a spider!!!

SGT – ‘Help! your honking locker is sucking me in’, said as the Platoon Sergeant throws himself into the soldier's locker during room inspection, throwing the contents out in the process. Slight exaggeration, but very funny.

CSM – ‘Look at the state of your locker, Private, oh it’s Private Smith the camp tramp, get in the bin, Smith.’
CSM – ‘Why the f**k have you got four dirty towels in your locker?’
PTE – ‘That's all the QM gave me, sir.’ ...You can't argue with his logic!

SANDHURST.
The Platoon Sergeant found a dead fly in one of the officer cadets’ lockers. This resulted in two punishment inspections: the first for having a pet, and the second for not feeding it.

RSM – ‘If it is good enough for our future King to speak to plants it’s good enough for you. Double over to the edge of the square and speak to that oak tree.’

THE SHOUTY MAN By Clive Ward. (No AI used)

Warning: Adult content and very dark humour. I warned you!!

www.clivewardauthor.com

Available on Kindle and Paperback.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0HLPRNBZV/ref=sr_1_1

16/10/2026

Keyrings
https://militaryhumorstores.com/collections/keyrings
Unique military and veteran keyrings with humour, nostalgia, and iconic Forces designs. Perfect gifts for veterans, serving personnel, and collectors.

16/10/2026

I remember guard duty like it was yesterday; that yellow floor polish smell again, the stick man, which I never got at guard mount, there was always someone with a smarter beret than me. Then there were the guard boxes, thrown together by the duty cook.
Every guard box had rock hard sugar and coffee, a lump of cheese, corn beef and tomato sandwiches, that tasted rank because the tomato had made the bread go soggy, and the smelly 10-day old, boiled eggs, which would come back to haunt you at about 3 in the morning.
The lot was probably the rejects from horror bags, or they’d been sitting in the cookhouse for the last few days.

Who can remember being p*ssed off because you’d pulled the 0200-0400 stag, Dragging out that red fire piquet hose hand kart to a pretend fire at the NAAFI.
I don’t know about anyone else, but as soon as we left the warm confines of the guard room, it was head for the block to find a warm drying room, or somewhere we wouldn’t get caught, to have forty winks. What could go wrong!

But sometimes it did, when you overstayed our welcome in the drying room, and overlaid. Then you were in deep ****. Nobody was late back from their stag, unless they’d been sleeping.

I remember trying to get that last hours sleep in before 0500 hours when the lights would flicker on and the bumpers would start swinging. The bean stealing pads would be rifling what’s left of the guard box. The prisoners were already up cleaning their cells and making up the dreaded bed blocks, they thought they’d left behind in training. Then we’d hear the sound of the regimental policeman blabbering out. …’JEFDITEJEFDITEJEFDITEJEFDITEJEFDITEJEFDITEJEFDITE’ as he marches his prisoners off to sweep the square before breakfast, at a stupid pace that no one could keep up with. I know, I tried it a few times.......The funny thing is, I miss those days.

British Army 1970’s 80’s

From the book Bumpers & Bed blocks by Clive Ward www.clivewardauthor.com

Available UK kindle or paper back
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0716FRJXH/ref=sr_1_1