Campaign for NUS Bureaucracy

27/09/2017

Bureaucratic salute to our President, Comrade Shakira Martin!

We must admit that we haven’t always been sure about Comrade Martin. After all, this is someone who came into the leadership proclaiming her allegiance to the cause of free education – an obvious red flag for us (and we here at the CNUSB are not fans of red flags). But then, we live in a difficult time. While the CNUSB eagerly awaits the day that a candidate for the NUS leadership can once again afford to be open about tolerating tuition fees, we know that compromises must be made. Securing power, after all, must come first.

The true test of a warrior for the cause of bureaucracy comes, as we all know, in what they do with power. And Comrade Martin has not let us down. In fact, she has gone above and beyond the call of duty! Martin was not content with simply *arguing* against these dastardly commies and their horrifying proposal to do something real that might contribute towards winning NUS policies. Nor did she orchestrate a filibuster to push the motion off the agenda, or even go for that tried-and-tested fall-back: getting a flunky to pull the fire alarm and shut down the meeting.

No, Comrade Martin has truly raised the bar for budding bureaucrats everywhere: she has simply made up a rule to block the motion entirely!

A more timid bureaucrat, stuck in their ways, might balk at the idea of dishonouring the rulebook, usually our trusty sidearm. But they forget that the rulebook is only a means to an end – the end, of course, being to ensure that we are never forced to do anything that might actually risk impacting something in the real world. We applaud Comrade Martin’s audacious and innovative move, and we hope it’s merely the first of many. Salute!

NCAFC submitted a motion to the National Union of Students National Executive Council (NEC) in support of our free education demo in November so that NUS could help us resource and build it.The President of NUS has unfairly ruled out the motion from being heard on the basis that conference voted not...

09/03/2017

Hearing reports that our brave comrades at successfully secured a near-unanimous vote against a motion about campaigning for childcare services for student parents, on the basis of what part of the motion document it was in.

Some people are under the impression that NUS conference motions debates exist to decide what campaigns and activities our union should organise to support students and fight for our rights. This is incorrect. Motions debates exist to hash out a policy document we can feel good about when it goes up on NUS Connect.

Excellent work comrades. Salute.

14/12/2016

When risk assessment ballots through SU councils run,
There can be no power milder anywhere beneath the sun;
Yet what action is more risky than not filling out a form
But risk assessments make us strong!

Credibility forever,
Credibility forever,
Credibility forever,
Risk assessments make us strong!

Is there aught we hold in common with sour Trotskyites,
Who would boycott student surveys and would cause the bosses fright?
Is there anything left to us but to bureaucratically fight?
For risk assessments make us strong!

03/12/2016

Combabes, you made us proud yesterday. With stickers and selfie frames, you’ve really shown how widespread the love for Students’ Unions is, from sabbs to Chief Execs to Vice-Chancellors.

But we need to remember that is more than a day, it’s a movement. Let the flag of bureaucracy and endless self-congratulation fly across the nations all year round.

Onwards and upwards!

01/12/2016

Twas the night before and all through the land,
Happy sabbs were conjuring plans from the benign to the bland.

Wth twibbons applied proudly and stories to share,
Of happier times with Megan Dunn there.

VPFE tucked up and asleep in her bed,
With her favourite BAE to help rest her head.

NOLSies still giggling out on the lawn,
Planning their hashtags, while the rest of us yawn.

It's tomorrow! Comrades, please join our call:
‘Lanyards and selfie sticks for one and for all!’

22/04/2016

Comrades and friends,

It's over.

We'll be heading up on the Caledonian Sleeper this evening to hide in the mountains with guns, taking NUS back one village at a time.

We love the nations.

05/02/2015

ROADMAP TO VOTING FOR A GENERATION

Exploring our commitment to electoral politics

We’re holding a day of action to encourage students to register to vote. The same old politics has failed students time and time again, and we want a new deal for the next generation. We want don’t want the scrapping of fees, we want a positive politics where we stand for anondyne promises rather than promising concrete opposition to a march of austerity which is killing many people.

We want to campaign for students to vote. We want students at the heart of the education system, enjoying the benefits of the market, and at the heart of the electoral system. There are seven million students in Britain, and they hold the key to the General Election.

We don’t know what they think, and we don’t want to provide opposition to labour policies, we just want people to vote. Sit down with your Vice Chancellor and convince them of the need for them to register you to vote.

SUGGESTED ACTIONS

Hold a voting jumble sale, where you sell 7 million students’ votes to the MP who provides the flimsiest policies, so you can pretend your voter registration campaign has any political content. Take a picture of your hand.

Hold a voter registration rally. Take a large banner with the face of the electoral reform society chief on it, and drop it from a window. Raise the crowd into a rhapsody by shouting about how great it is to vote. Do not at any time discuss the policies students may want to vote for. Take pictures of your hands.

Sit down and convince your Vice Chancellor of the way that registering to vote benefits the market, and is great value for money. Take a picture of your hand.

Consider the impact of running campaigns focussed around generations as an identifier, especially when mature students are already some of the most left out of most universities. Consider that the interests students have in common are not those with people who are just their age, but with people who face the same enemies as them – university workers and disenfranchised communities.

Brush these considerations aside and register people to vote, because voting is great. Take a picture of your hands.

Politicians are motivated by votes. Absolutely do not consider that they will listen to your ideas, or take concrete action to convey these. Take a picture of your hand.

Are you in a safe seat? If your candidate doesn’t agree with your stance on education funding, and you’ve actually lobbied them, consider blocking a road or occupying their office. Chuck this idea out and take a picture of your hand.

Think about the New Deal you want for the Next Generation. Consider that, despite the fact that all of the major gains for the majority of the human race have been made by organised mass movements from below, you probably ought to just register to vote, because voting is good. Take a picture of your hand.

11/01/2015

CNUSB is extremely happy with the results of our desperate attempts to overcome free education policy ahead of the general election.

However, we are disappointed that we were not able to secure a direct commitment to just tell students to either sit at home and do nothing, or waste their time doing pointless s**t that no-one cares about - like car boot sales - until they go and vote Labour with their head in their hands. Instead, we've had to make up a load of stuff about how doing all of this is in some way useful or meaningful in any way.

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03/12/2014

Update: we're currently trying to to pass a motion banning the day of action currently taking place. Several campuses have been occupied, and we need to step in. Just as well NEC is happening on the same day or some of the more lefty NEC members might actually go and do actions; and that would be embarassing.

02/12/2014

Another victory in the war for NUS bureaucracy! We have successfully ruled a motion out of order that would have condemned our comrades in the Met Police and their conduct on the free education demo when they arrested 12 people and brutalised lots of student radicals.

It was due to be discussed at tomorrow's but the Clerks have valiantly ruled it out of order. Another fearless charge in the cause of safe seats.

Motion to condemn violent policing? Not in my name!

No pasarán!

25/11/2014

AN IMPORTANT COMMUNIQUE FROM CNUSB

As you may be aware, the free education demonstration last week was a terrific success. This calls for drastic measures.

From now on, you must all run for NUS delegate. If we cannot be assured that a majority of conference floor will vote for our Presidential candidate (whoever that is, we're not actually sure yet) at least one month prior to conference opening in April, we will need to cancel the event. This may be as simple as releasing a tiger into the opening plenary (London and Scotland will be seated next to each other for ease of mauling), but you may be required to physically beat leftwingers and trots away from the venue with your hands and fists.

We are developing an add-on which will automatically block anything containing the words 'free' OR 'education' (you can't be too careful) from your browser. In the meantime, no-one may read any news reports relating to the demonstration.

Prepare yourselves.

CNUSB COMMUNIQUE ENDS

07/11/2014

We are happy to report that we have succeeded in persuading the NUS bureaucracy to pull out of the national free education demo. We have to say that we rather surprised ourselves on this one, especially since it contradicts the policy of both conference and the NEC.

But there you go, things just work out sometimes.

However, there is still a real danger that student union officers all over the country might actually read any of the correspondence, risk assessments or associated documents. If they do this, they will almost certainly not pull out of the demo. (Don't tell anyone, but it's basically alright).

If you possibly can, please spare 5 minutes today to help drive the free education movement into the dirt. You can do this by:
- tweeting about how much you hate NCAFC; any reason will do, the more incoherent the better
- calling up sabbatical officers at random and making up problems with the risk assessment; take care not to actually read it yourself
- if you have a mandate to support the demo overturn it; do this in the most underhand way possible

Please, spare just a few minutes of your time today.