DWP - Demeaning Witless Pilferers

DWP - Demeaning Witless Pilferers Through the rolling out of Universal Credit, we provide poverty to motivate people to be rich.

16/12/2024

We have a new tool to get the unemployed (and full-time carers) back into employment! Once you're on a benefit, we can randomly reassess you and send you a letter to tell you that we've reassessed you and that we'll send you another letter in the next few days telling you what our new decision is. Bonus points for sending it second class in the latter half of December. The extra stress is sure to turn some of the layabouts into Fortune 500 CEOs!

22/07/2024

With the change in government, this page will hopefully cease to be relevant, but we're concerned about the language in some of the new government's proposals and will be watching closely.
As always, if anything strikes us as not quite as good as they make out, we'll look closely and announce it here in our usual satirical fashion.

Share widely and remind anyone who might be on the fence: this is what the Selfservatives think of the common people. So...
02/07/2024

Share widely and remind anyone who might be on the fence: this is what the Selfservatives think of the common people. Someone proves, in a UN special report, that they're destroying lives and their response isn't "oh, s**t, we need to look at this information and do something about it," it's "quick, we've gotta discredit this fu**er telling people the quiet parts out loud!"

Denial, distraction and personal attacks – the architects of austerity are doing all they can to invalidate those who point out the predictable effect of their own policies

We think this is a bit unfair. It's not like the report said we did anything wrong, it just pointed out that we're makin...
09/02/2022

We think this is a bit unfair. It's not like the report said we did anything wrong, it just pointed out that we're making sure they can't get by on benefits so they'll decide to become bankers and make a mint. It's only a uni degree and a few years of 75-hour weeks to get into that sector, after all.

A group of MPs obtained and published a report on disability benefits themselves after the DWP refused to do so, despite having it since 2020

Have you seen there's an upcoming election? We need you to keep our benefactors in power, so they can keep us in our job...
14/11/2019

Have you seen there's an upcoming election? We need you to keep our benefactors in power, so they can keep us in our jobs! The poor don't punish themselves, someone has to do it! We can't have you electing someone decent who has said he wants to kill Universal Credit!

It's quite simple, we don't believe in disability and don't like people hamming it up and using complicated words that w...
08/10/2019

It's quite simple, we don't believe in disability and don't like people hamming it up and using complicated words that we don't understand, like "degenerating ME." So we asked them to put it simply and not overdramatise the fact they get a bit tired. That way we can point out that everyone gets a bit tired and tell them to get a job. Now these people talking about rights have gone and spoilt it by exposing the trap.
Now we're scared that people are going to elect that Corbyn fellow, who's going to make us actually be fair to these people, like they deserve something. It's not like any of them would have paid national insurance before they learned they could get a pittance for saying they can't work. Not like any of them worked on the 999 phone desk half their career, or sold carpets or anything.
Wait, they did?
Right, we'll have to go and strategise about this too.

Advice issued at Jobcentre urged people to 'avoid terms that sound worse than the are'

23/09/2019

We like this name. It's straight to the point and means our system does what it says on the tin.

Whatever you do, don't tell the Mirror about your experiences with us. It'll only encourage other people to challenge us...
02/09/2019

Whatever you do, don't tell the Mirror about your experiences with us. It'll only encourage other people to challenge us. Just accept our decision and turn yourself into a rich banker, it's less hassle.

EXCLUSIVE: Bungling bosses at the DWP have also come under fire after sending a letter to the dead man to offer an appeal against his PIP decision, just months after he died

27/05/2019

We can't possibly condone anything opposing the politicians who oppose the poor - we wouldn't do a thing like that 🤔

These do-gooders complaining when we call a spade a s**tmover, who do they think they are? You'd almost think disabled p...
23/03/2019

These do-gooders complaining when we call a spade a s**tmover, who do they think they are? You'd almost think disabled people were real and had rights!
..oh, waaaait.

Welfare advisers say slip highlights culture of contempt towards disabled people

But the people have spoken! Democracy ends for 30 years when the ballot closes!..right? Right? What do you mean no?!
21/03/2019

But the people have spoken! Democracy ends for 30 years when the ballot closes!..right? Right? What do you mean no?!

More than 700,000 people sign a petition on the Parliament site calling for Brexit to be cancelled.

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We make sure your money goes to the rich, not the poor

As government ministers have gotten richer over the generations, they’ve come to the realisation that poverty is a choice and that it’s only by making you as poor as possible that you’ll decide to get off your ass and be rich.

That’s where we come in. We stand between you and the safety net that was created to prevent the abject destitution of the 1920s and 30s. We do everything we can to discourage you from claiming and, when you do claim, we’ll either sanction you for things we conned you into doing, or be so incompetent that you never get a penny from us. And we’ll almost always fail to understand what you tell us - and don’t even think about asking to speak to our managers, because they’re not available to speak to plebs.

Our goal is to end all benefit claims, as part of the government's overarching war on the poor. We've found that making poor people even poorer eventually gets them off benefits altogether - we figure they must decide to become famous actors or architects or something, since many of the people we hit hardest never come back.

Some of our most effective strategies include hiding a demand for information far down a copypasta greeting message so we can silently end your claim with never a penny paid, or tricking you into thinking you don't have an appointment so we can sanction you for 6 weeks, refusing to pay you any money at the end of your first month because you just got a £400.01 final wage at the start of the month, printing a letter for you (and not sending it) to tell you we need more information about your new living partner and won't pay you until you tell us... and, best of all, rescheduling the due dates for decisions on mandatory reconsiderations and then missing those dates, to keep you waiting long enough that we can conveniently delete the closed claim for being a year old.