Ministry of Political Humour

13/05/2019

"Modiji, poori duniya sun'na chah rahi hai aapse, Kings Landing main hua kya?"

"hahahaha main kya bolun jhi, main fake-ir aadmi hun"

"Aap aam kaise khaaten hain?"

"Episode 3 ke baad vo aayi thi. Bohut dukh main thi"

"kaun? Aam?"

"Nahi, nahi. Woh Dragon Mata aayi thi. Usne mujse aake bola 'main Cersie to harana chahti hun' aur mere se madad maangi"

"Aur aapne toh Mad-ad Ki hogi. Log bolten hain that you are mad about ads"

"Sahi baat Hai. Maine usko pucha - Amit Shah ko bheju kya? Woh boli - itne violence ki bhi zarurat nahi Hai kyun ki uske paas already ek dragon tha. Par uski problem rahi radar main. Pichli baar jab Woh surgical strike karne gayi, iron fleet ne detect karke ek dragon ko maar diya tha... Toh maine dimaag lagaya aur uss'se poocha.. 'Mausam Kaisa hai?'. Woh boli 'abhi episode 3 main winter khatam hua to thode clouds Hai'. Maine kaha ki is Mausam main tum radar se bach sakte ho. Aasman main baadal Hai. Yeh tumare liye faydemand ho sakta Hai. Phir woh nikal padi aur King's Landing ko Queen damning bana diya"

"Wah Modiji, wah!"

15/03/2019

Gai's be patient. BJP supporters with entire engineering degree are going through every word of vedic science to see how websites were built in those days with gober and gomutra as binary co(w)ding.

According to a news report, the party is using this opportunity to revamp the website.

01/03/2019

Arnab's teleprompter tonight:

Viewers, today is a historic day for India. The government led by PM Narendra Modi has ensured it has found the white t shirt we have been looking for 7 decades... The white t shirt that couldn't be found by Rahul Gandhi for 70 years has been found within 5 years by PM Narendra Modi... It's a statement from the PM like never before...

Now I know there is a lobby in lutyens, JNU, AMU, Jadavpur University and South India that is claiming this t shirt is black. But I want to say to them as the nation watches tonight... Such seditious acts of calling this t shirt black will not be tolerated anymore... The time has come for all the pro Pakistani black shirt lovers who don't respect our dyer makers to be sent to Pakistan...

Mark my words, today the nation is stronger than ever to call this t-shirt white. Our brave dyers are sacrificing their dye so that we can show the world how white this t shirt is but the tukde tukde gang, with political support of the kichdi ghatbandan has decided to embarrass the nation in front of the global community...

Infact viewers, your Republic TV and Republic Bharat conducted an investigative report in Pakistan to find out how many call this t shirt black.. And just as expected all Pakistanis did.. Now if you join the dots viewers, you will find that the pseudo secular who call this t shirt black have their loyalties to a rouge nation of black shirt dyers that is lying through its teeth...

It's time we show this pro black t shirt lobby what a white t shirt is... On the debate at 9... - Has PM Modi silenced critics by finding this white t-shirt. On the debate at 10... Shouldn't Rahul Gandhi apologize to the nation and our brave dyers for calling this t shirt black?

Action packed debates coming up.. But first let's look at the headlines this Friday evening on the debate..

1) PM Modi finds the white t shirt.. A huge diplomatic victory for India...

2) T shirt is white.. But Pakistanis continue to call it black as Imran khan faces global isolation...

3) White T shirt found, what next? Will the govt now give it to dry cleaning?

4) A fruitful end to 7 decades of hardwork. But opposition cries foul.. Isn't it time we unite as a nation and call this t shirt white?

5) Tukde tukde gang raises pro black t short slogans inside JNU campus.. It's time we drop a nuclear bomb...

6) Video clearly exposes the psudo secular, pro Pakistan, pro black enemy lobby within our country.. Republic TV is the first to get you these visuals..

7) Last but not the least.. Modiji sends out a strong message to opposition.. Says the t shirt is a testimony of congress failure..

"But sir.. Andhe ho kya?"

Andhe? What do you mean? I want to know what do you mean? The nation wants to know what do you mean? Viewers are watching tonight.. So tell me, what do you mean? I mean, what's andhe?

"I meant are you bli..."

That is it.. Your mask has been unmasked.. You are exposed.. You pseudo anti National elements.. Sambit Patra come in.. Sambit Patra will counter you...

23/11/2018

Netflix: Kabhi kabhi lagta hai apun hi bhagwan hai.

BJP: Hold my beer!

02/03/2018

"Myself Arnab Ranjan Goswami of Republic. We lic(k) for a living"

"Nation wants to know sir, what do you lick"

"Never.. Ever... Ever.. Never... Never.. Ever.. Ever... Never.. Never.. Ever... Ever.. Never..."

"Ok Mr. Goswami, I give up. Just tell the nation how independent are you?"

"I am the eye of Independence. I mean, I am the capital I of the word Independence. See what my research team did with wordplay there?" 😉

"If you're so independent, why is a BJP nominated MP funding you and the union finance minister a member of Team Republic?"

"Never.. Ever... Ever.. Never... Never.. Ever.. Ever... Never.. Never.. Ever... Ever.. Never..."

Image courtesy: Humans of Hindutva

12/02/2018

"Sangh will prepare military personnel within three days which the Army would do in 6-7 months. This is our capability. This is our war room"

"But sir isn't this an insult to the braves who fight for the country"

"Arey Kya insult? Agar videshi company 2 minutes Maggi noodles bana sakten hain to hum Hindu 3 Din mein military nahi bana sakten kya?

"That's a weird comparison but may I ask what is the structure of your organisation and what kind of training you provide?"

"See, I'm the Chief of Chaddi staff. Army officers spend 3 years in NDA but in our army, you just need to spend 3 days in a shaka and shout Bharat mata Ki Jai 3 times a day to become an officer"

"OK sir... Now that India is facing terror threat and border skirmishes, are your men prepared to go to the border & fight?"

"Arey... If our men go to the border, who will make 10 Hindu children and ensure their wives stay in the kitchen? Hum bas aise hi military ke baare mein bol rahen the.. Aap itna serious kyun le rahe ho?"

04/02/2018

BJP in 2015: "Start up India, Stand up India"
BJP in 2018: "Pakode bejho, Tax bharo"

While talking exclusively to India Today, Arun Jaitley emphasised how paying tax is a patriotic duty of every citizen and important for country's development.

23/01/2018

"Hi, myself Khiladi from Canada. And the Gabbar Is Back! My India name is Akshay Kumar and I am nationalist. I make desh bhakti films because I am not Khan and I hate terrorist. My next film is Pad Man, thanks to my new found love for saffron, the last letter of my film was not removed and I got to be a Man and not PadMa. I got Padma Shri before I went around waving ABVP flags but not national award. I got national award because I didn't do Dangal with PM saheb but did proMOTION in Toilet, Ek Prem Katha after Rustom. Also, I am not Khan you see. So today I am waving ABVP flag because, theatre to Housefull karna hi hai. Talent nahi hai to Desi Boyz ke naam pe kabhi kabhi Khiladi 420 ban'na padta hai!"

"But sir you are so sanghi. But your wife is anti-nationally funny?

"Haan, Maine Bhi Pyaar Kiya. Family bhi kiya. Hum Mr. And Mrs. Khiladi bane. Lekin Meri Biwi Ka Jawaab Nahin"

"But sir...."

"Khamosh! Tu Chor, Main Sipahi. Aur Yeh Waqt, Hamara Hai"

20/01/2018

“Darwin’s theory of evolution is wrong. Since the man is seen on Earth he has always been a man"

"The sexism apart, how were humans born then?"

"We were born from Vegetarian Eggs"

"But we aren't oviparous creatures. How can we lay eggs. That's scientifically inaccurate"

"Did Darwin know more science than we Hindus do? We were the first ones to build an aeroplane. First ones to perform plastic surgery on Ganesh. Western theories of science are just fiction"

"Ok I agree you know it all better. Then tell me who laid the egg for the first man to be born?"

"A woman. I want you to note my feminism here"

"How was the woman born? Did she evolve from apes?"

"No, the woman also came from a vegetarian egg"

"Who laid that egg?"

"That's for science to discover"

20/01/2018

Mitron, it's time we send Anti-Romeo Squad and Gau Rakshaks on H1-B visas to the USA.

13/10/2017

"India has gone from 55 to 100 in the Global Hunger Index in the last three years"

"Isko bolten hain Acche Din. Mananiye Modiji ne century maar diya. Tum dekhte rehna, aur aage badega mera desh"

"But higher number means the situation has worsened. Countries like North Korea, Bangladesh and Iraq have fared better than India. This is so sad"

"Sad ki Maa khi Aank. Seema pe hamare jawan bhookhe pet main lad rahen hai aur tum anti-national jihadi logon ko Hunger Index Ki baat karni hai?"

"But shouldn't the govt be blamed even for the starving soldiers?"

"Tum logon ko Yeh technical issues samaj nahi aayenge. Abhi abhi Modiji ne khakra tax ko 12% se 5% le aaya. On the long run, yeh masterstroke meri New India main bhookh mitayega"

"But how can Khakra solve this 'serious' issue!"

"Arey Jab congress ne ye desh ko loota tumne iske bare me baat nahi kiya. Ab ye Christian survey ko leke hamare Modiji Ki beizzat mat karo. Na isko mein maanunga, naa maan'ne dunga"

"Jaise Modiji naa kha rehen hain, na kisiko khane de rahen hain?"

08/10/2017

The date was September 12, 2013. Papaji, his friend Narendra Uncle & I were walking on the streets of Amdavad. It had been a tough year for me since my business, Temple Enterprise Private Ltd., had suffered a huge loss of Rs 6,230.

"Kya karun ab?" I thought to myself as I took the khakra from papaji's hand and took a bite. To my surprise, Narendra Uncle instantly said "Fikar mat karo beta. Kal tumhari kismat badalne wala hai". It was almost like he read my mind, with just a glance at me eating my khakra. I was confused but relieved for the first time since I filed the company's balance sheet earlier in March that year.

I didn't meet Narendra Uncleji after that evening. Papaji told me uncleji was busy satisfying his wanderlust across the country as he was preparing for a mega world tour he had planned over five years starting June 2014. As time flew just like uncleji on Adani bhaiya's charter jets, another March came by and I suffered another devastating loss of Rs 1,724. My bank account was frozen, papaji had been away in Uttar Pradesh & I thought my family was ruined. Just as I thought I should look for an alternate career, Narendra Uncleji was voted to become the Prime Minister. Entire Gujarat was celebrating, Gau Mutra bars were crowded like it was Dandiya Night. I sat at the local Farsan shop, with mixed emotions, when my mobile phone rang.

The voice on the other side said "Fikar mat karo beta. Teri kismat badalne wale din aa gayen hein". It didn't take me a second to recognise that voice. I knew that my Acchhe Din were here. From then on, there has been no looking back, even if someone is cracking up on Khakra behind me.

Three more financial year endings have passed since my new beginning in a New India. My company, Temple Enterprise Private Ltd., recorded a profit of Rs 18,728 in 2014-15 & turnover of Rs 80.5 crore in 2015-16. It felt like my hardwork had finally been paid off by Rajesh Khandwalaji & our dear Parimal Nathwaniji in way of Rs 15.78 crore unsecured loan. With the business now going from a loss of Rs 6,230 to a turnover of Rs 80.5 crore, thanks to Narendra Uncle's "Ease of doing business", I decided it was time to shut shop.

When people talk about their misfortune now, all I tell them now is "Fikar mat karo mitron, Acchhe Din aa gaye hain".