30/06/2026
If a Kikuyu, Luo, Kalenjin, Luhya, Mswahili, and Somali all got hired on the same day at Kenya Ports Authority, Mombasa, and you went back to check on them after 10 years, this is what you would find:
KIKUYU 🐝
✅ Owns a three-bedroom in Shanzu. Title deed in his name. Family settled, children in a private school nearby. He hardly goes to his village. Mombasa became home!
✅ Has two rental units in Kisauni already generating income. A matatu on the Likoni route with a trusted tout managing it.
✅ Drives a 1300cc EFI. Clean. Paid for in cash.
✅ His idea of a night out is meeting one old friend at a local leaking joint, splitting a quarter kilo of nyama choma, and arguing over land prices in Ruiru over two cold Tuskers.
✅ He is already planning to quit KPA.
LUO 👑
✅ Lives in a five-bedroom house in Nyali. Rent is 85,000 a month. The sitting room has a chandelier.
✅ Drives a 4000cc V8 on a loan that still has six years to run. The car turns heads. That is the point.
✅ No land. No rentals. Has a savings account he has never saved in.
✅ Is the Chairman of the KPA Workers Union. Has called eleven strikes in ten years. Nine of them were about Kikuyus being promoted unfairly. He sings TUTAM in meetings!
✅ His Friday night involves ten friends, a table full of beers, music that makes conversation impossible, and a very loud argument about how Raila would have been the greatest president Africa ever produced.
✅ Genuinely believes the Kikuyu guy in accounts is stealing. Has no evidence. Does not need any. But he believes they were born thieves!
KALENJIN 🏃
✅ Family is in Kericho. He is in Mombasa. This arrangement makes complete sense to him.
✅ His 1300cc car is also in Kericho. He takes buses.
✅ Has quietly bought 37 acres near Londiani. Does not talk about it.
✅ Drinks beer slowly, alone or with one or two clansmen, in a corner of a quiet bar. The conversation is mostly about home. He is already mentally back in the Rift.
✅ Regularly wonders why they built the port in Mombasa and not somewhere more sensible, like Kericho.
LUHYA 🎵
✅ Has one wife in Bungoma and one wife in Mombasa. Both know about each other. Neither is happy. He manages.
✅ Has been waiting seven years for another Luhya to become MD so things can finally go his way. There have been two Luhya MDs. Neither remembered him.
✅ No savings. No land. But he knows every Lingala song released between 2015 and today, and there is always a sweet sixteen somewhere who thinks he looks important.
✅ Looks at the Kikuyu's rental houses with genuine admiration and zero plan to replicate them.
✅ His budget does not survive the third week of any month.
MSWAHILI 🌊
✅ Has never lived anywhere else. His grandfather worked at the port. His father worked at the port. He works at the port. This is simply how things are done.
✅ Lives in the family house in Mvita, Old Town. The house was built in 1962. He sees no reason to move.
✅ Does not hustle. Does not plan. Believes strongly that riziki inatoka kwa Mungu and that rushing is a sign of poor upbringing.
✅ Has a small shop downstairs run by his wife. The shop has been open since 1987. The stock has not changed much since then either.
✅ Genuinely confused why the Kikuyu is always running somewhere. Kwani where is he going?
✅ Spends evenings at the baraza with elders drinking kahawa chungu and discussing how Mombasa was better before everyone else arrived.
✅ Still waiting for his cousin's friend's brother to finalize paperwork on a piece of land in Likoni. The cousin says it is almost ready. It has been almost ready for four years.
SOMALI 🐪
✅ Was hired at KPA but stopped showing up after three months. Nobody is quite sure when he left or how. But everyone suspects he gets paid.
✅ Currently owns a money transfer business, a wholesale shop in Eastleigh, a small logistics company operating between Mombasa and Garissa, and a share in a fuel depot.
✅ Drives a clean Prado. Cash.
✅ His family is in Nairobi, Dubai, and Minnesota. He visits all three regularly.
✅ Has already identified the next business opportunity. He will not tell you what it is. But he is busy pushing it.
✅ Does not drink. Does not choma. His networking happens over tea and is worth more than most people's board meetings.
✅ Looked at the Kikuyu's two rental units and quietly thought, only two? He is even planning to buy them in cash.
😂😂😂
