http://tothenotepad.wordpress.com/

Talking Pictures, Ateneo de Davao University, Davao City (2026)

22/11/2017

Three knocks of death

Last night, he knocked at my door.
The first three knocks were just gentle.
I refused to open.

The next two knocks were a bit deadly.
I moved my cabinet to the back of the door.
I never wanted him to come through.

The next knock was violent, a very heavy knock.
I trembled in fear.
My lips and fingertips were shaking.
I turned to the corner of my bed.
I wished it was the right side.

The knocks became harsh and fast.
Silence.

My door banged open.
He kicked my door again.
My unwelcomed guest came in with a smile on his face.
He carried a bag with a paper, a pen, a scissor, a bottle of pills, a razor blade, a knife, a gun, and a rope.
He made me choose how would I more likely want myself pleasured.
Silence.

He left and said that he would come back for my answer.

The next day, I waited for him.
I knew I was ready.
He did not show up.
I thought that was the end of it.

On a Sunday night, I prayed.
He knocked again.
This time, he impatiently tore my door open like depression running its car along the highway, beating the red light to finally come home to me after the calm before the storm comes.
I was not in shock.
I knew it.
Silence.

He stared at me, then left.
He knew it was not the right time.

The next days seemed peaceful.
No knocks on my door.
No heavy footsteps near my room.
No signs of trembles and fears.
Silence.

Today, I finally got out of my room.
I thought he would not come back to play with me again.
Those days were just the calm before the storm, I suppose.

Well, he came.
He is playing with me right now.
I tried to stop him.
But, I don't know how to end this.

So, I just chose the gun.
I aimed it at his head.
I pulled the trigger.
My eyes blinked too hard, once.
He was dead on the floor.

But, his face slowly became someone I really know.
I saw my body on the floor.
It's covered with blood.
There was a shot in my head.
I saw him standing beside my body.
I shot myself.
He finally won.
It's no surprise.
Silence.

The door closed slowly.
Silence.
I can sleep for now.
I know he will knock on my door again anytime he wants.

03/09/2017

I’ve been wondering where are you right now?
Are you at home?
Are you with your friends?
Have you been doing well?
I think you are.
I hope you are.

Many nights I’ve evaluated myself
How my friends told me how stupid I am
I am stupid
I am indecisive

I know there comes a time I’ll eventually regret and wish
That i could just turn back time
Those times when we’re both happy being with each other.
But are we? We’re you satisfied?

I’ve been longing for hugs and kisses
But I don’t mind anymore
I’m so used to this
I’m so used to loneliness that I think I can never let go of it
I’m so used to it that I tend to turn my back and never return

30/07/2017

My, oh, my

There is no sinking

in home-made

shallow waters

there is only

dissociation with

breathing

and living.

Forget how she

tastes like

wash her nail-color

off of your skin

paint it over with

the silk robe

or your pink

towel

Stop pretending

she’s a plot

twist or a rescue

boat.

Swim

and stay afloat

(Helena: of twists and turns)

04/05/2017

"Regrets, like L shaped couches, take up a lot of space."
- Samantha Sotto, Love and Gravity

It baffles me. Sometimes they whistle between the hollows of my ribcage and the cold side of my bed. Some nights they are bare skin waiting to be slashed open. Other nights they are quiet, as if they could convince me they don't exist anymore. There are also days when their whispers flow from my eyes in the form of teardrops, as if my cheeks would savor them when they touch. On nights when they come in the form of nightmares and I am startled awake, I find my knuckles soaring through the walls faster than I could think.

In moments when they hide between my habits and my dreams, I jolt up and search for them only to find them painted abstractly in the walls I've built since I started building things from the windows I've broken down in search of another beginning. Sometimes they murmur from my eyes when I try so hard to look myself in the mirror after knowing the horrors hidden in my body. There are mornings when I am awakened by the screeching noises I've made years before, when I was trying to escape their claws that tried to pull me in distress.

Sometimes they come in the shape of grenades, then in the form of embers. After a few moments they take shape in the rainfall of ashes and I am left stranded in awe of how many forms regrets can become when I tried so hard to bury them alive. There is something exquisite about this inescapable cell; it reminds, it cuts, it scars, it hides, but it never really heals.

It worries me that a seven letter word could easily cut through the pain that I spent so much time turning into walls. But what scares me most is the fact that among the other things that regrets could turn into, it never comes close to the pain I have to endure when regrets come in the shape of you.

H

04/04/2017

I look every time she walks away. I look at her long enough to let her linger but short enough for me to keep the endless succession of the memories of her walking towards me.

I should've kissed her. That moment, before our part of the earth saw the rays of sunshine, when the only things we could hear were our conversations forced into whispers, when the stars seemed so shameless; so unafraid of being seen. I should have kissed her. Even though her mouth would've tasted like cigarette butts, I'm pretty fu***ng sure her kisses would have been amazing.

I keep circling back to that moment. When we forced our laughter inside us as we sneaked in to a rooftop across the hotel we were staying in. I remember her all the time. I remember how she looked at me.

The way she looked at me never changed, however. One time, she laughed and held my hand. It's there. I know it's still there. I know she still feels something but we have to stop waiting for each other to come around. She has to stop saying her doors are still open and she has to start checking if I'm still outside, waiting for her to call me. We have to meet halfway.

Because if we don't, there will always be something unfinished between us, and I don't think I can live my life never knowing whether there was a chance to keep going or if we would've ended up hurting ourselves a lot more if we tried again.

I hope she comes around. This can't stay unfinished forever.

H.

02/04/2017

YOU

You made me hope for a rainbow after every storm. It already felt like seven years, and I am still stuck in this goddamn storm you always said would pass sooner.

You told me to hold on to your hand because you said we would face anything together. I already crossed the tight ropes, but where were you? Where did you go?

You stare at me like I am someone you are so afraid to lose, like someone you dearly love, but you always look in some other way when I lose my stare at you.

You kissed me the first time and it felt like ecstasy. The more we grew together, the more we bloomed. The longer we were together, the stranger we got. How could I taste someone else in your lips even if you told me that those were exclusively mine?

You hold me like it is where I belong, like there is no other place I could call my home. Has it really been mine even if you loved or still love someone else?

You told me that you should have a space in my heart. Sure, I saved you your space. You already have it. But, you kept coming and going like it is a parking lot you own.

You know how unfair it is that you always leave me and you just pop back into my life like you did me no wrong?

You always tell me all these lies and I kept believing them like I do not trust anyone, but you.

You were a blessing but now, you are a curse.

You knew you were my weakness, but it came like some kind of a joke that you used it against me.

Out of all people, it was you who fooled me. It was you who took me for granted. It was you who gave up on me when I needed you most. It was you who made me feel worse. It was you who did all of these to me.

But hey! Look where I am now…

Here.

Still waiting for my love to come back around.

Still begging for you to choose me.

Still pushing myself to you.

Still missing you.

Still loves you.

It’s you.

It’s still you.

It has always been you.

But, you can’t love me back like before anymore.

Damn, you.

31/03/2017

If you think that depression is funny and people having it only seeks attention then get the f**k away from me.

You do not know what it feels like to have a depression, mild or severe.

It’s like falling into an abyss without even hitting the bottom of it.
It’s tiring to the point where you just want to crawl back from the darkness that swallowed your whole identity.
You wouldn’t be able to recognize yourself anymore. You feel lost and confused whether to keep going or just give up.
You want to hurt yourself in order to convince yourself that you are still alive in this shameless world.

Now if you still think that depression is funny then f**k you and your narrow mindedness.

Photo: (c) to the owner

26/01/2017

I'm not like them. I'm not going to stop you from being who you are and going where you want to go. If you have to leave me just so you could figure out what you're here for, then so be it. I'm not going to check on you everyday asking if you're still coming back. Go ahead. Get the life you deserve, find a place that reminds you of paradise, drink the oldest wine, take amazing pictures, jump off the highest cliff, write a book, meet someone else. Live. I'm not going to stop you just because I'm afraid to lose you. Go wherever your dreams send you. Do what ever your heart desires. Go and search for your missing pieces, solve them one at a time. Be someone you'll always be proud of.

After all of that, when you're done chasing cars and sipping vodka and running with your bare feet and living your dreams, and your body is so tired you just want to find a safe haven, think of me as your home and come back. Look me in the eye and tell me everything. Tell me how you held the stars or how you burned yourself. Tell me how you lived. Tell me stories. And when you're done...
Tell me I did the right thing.

- N

18/11/2016

Bridge

You told me to "hold on".
And I...
I reached out for your hand and held on tightly.
You took me to a misty bridge and walked with me.
We got into the middle and you suddenly let go of me.

I chased you...
But, I stopped.

I saw someone on the other end of the bridge.
She was waiting for you.
You ran to her and I was left with nothing and no one else to "hold on" to.

I saw your happiest smile, but it's not the one I own.
I saw her in your smile.
I was left in this unfamiliar place that only you know what this is and how this thing goes.
I stared at you until those bits of silhouettes faded away.

I was still here-- waiting for you to choose me again.

You know what?
I was afraid of heights just as much as I am afraid of you.
Falling for you.
Holding on.
You, leaving.
You, finding someone else.
YOU.

I will never love anyone like how much I have loved you.

And, I'm still waiting...

13/11/2016

Afraid

The moment I’ll enter my room, that’s where I feel safe.
But if I’ll be honest with myself, I’m afraid of everything.

Every morning I’m afraid to wake up knowing that I have to simulate my act in order for them not to wonder...
It’s not a must but an instinct.
I’m afraid of fighting yet I’m also afraid of giving up.
I’m afraid of failing.
I’m afraid of falling......

I’m afraid of meeting someone new.
I’m afraid that they’ll judge me for who I am.
Pretending is useless since everybody judges you no matter who or what you are in this world.
I’m afraid to live yet I also fear death.
I am afraid ...
I am just afraid... Of everything.

31/10/2016

To my almost,

I'm not sure if I've had enough sleepless nights to actually call you "the one that got away", but I'm certain of the fact that life really did get in the way -our way.
You're the closest thing I have to bring up in a conversation about a love that never lasted. My friends will remind me that time will heal this wound, but what am I supposed to do on days when the sound of your laughter creeps into my dark slumber? What am I supposed to do on days when my heart feels like it's being screwed to my ribcage when I remember you putting on my perfume? How am I supposed to fill my lungs with air when everytime I close my eyes I feel you slowly leaning in to put your head upon my shoulder? How am I supposed to touch anything when everything I touch feels like your hand holding me like it means something?

Ours was quick -didn't even reach one earth cycle. I am trying so hard not to cuss because I don't want to sound rude but forgive me because F**K LIFE! I have loved you more than I love my coffee cold and I have sacrificed hours of sleep just to be with you, but you know what life did? It took you away from me. I am trying to protect my mental health because I have never felt at ease since the day you left me. I miss you, and now I'm going to start lighting up my ci******es with matches because lighters remind me of you. Mid-nights remind me of you, poems remind me of you, cats remind me of you AND EVERY F**KING THING HAS YOUR LINGERING MEMORY ON THEM AND I AM CHOKING IN WHAT WE COULD HAVE BEEN AND I CAN'T BREATHE AND I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'm sorry, let me stay. Let me stay. Let me love you, because I know I can. You told me you didn't want me to get less than what I deserve but, baby, so do you.

You deserve me. I'm tired of tossing and turning around my bed of anguish when I am so desperate to save you from forcing yourself to be with somebody who will eventually hurt you. Be with me. Be with me and we will love sunrises and sunsets just the same because they're just as beautiful as the sound of your voice calling my name. Be with me and I will breathe you in more than I breathe in ni****ne. Come back to me. I have swallowed my pride and I have no plans of spitting it out. Come back to me, and I will give you the haven you deserve right here.. in my arms, so we can both fall into the celestial abyss we'll call home. We will burn down all the facades and walk through it like we're fireproof because we're not afraid of arson.

But like I said, life is all about these goddamned choices. And even if I choose you, if you choose him, whether it is to protect yourself or for any other reason, I do not have the right to stop you. Nevertheless, I choose to love you in every void, in silence, and in the distance. Perhaps the sound of your voice will fill in the space that life has created between us, but it will never suffice my need of you.

Loving you was malignant but I chose to suffer, because I chose you. Loving you was as natural as sleeping, it was something I knew would come and consume me. I was good at loving you, but I loved you too much I thought it would scare you, so I had to have control. Loving you was good, but it never felt safe. It was like waking up because I had to make sure everything was still real, it was too good to be true that it made fear illusions.
But losing you was travelling in the same dark and abandoned highway with only thumbtacks to eat. Losing you was drowning in denial and withering in grief. Losing you was alcohol digging deep into my system. Losing you was the end of the lines at the palm of my hand, but not the end of us.

I will write again soon, and I will write more until saying your name starts to heal instead of hurt, until breathing starts to feel like breathing instead of swallowing gasoline, until I learn to laugh again without the shadow of melancholy, and I will write until the shore finally decides to hold on to the ocean.

See you in the distance...

Walking in your shadows,
I

Talking Pictures

22/11/2017

03/09/2017

30/07/2017

04/05/2017

04/04/2017

02/04/2017

31/03/2017

26/01/2017

18/11/2016

13/11/2016

31/10/2016

Address

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share

Category