Ashtabula County Department of Memes

Ashtabula County Department of Memes Rip Rock Creek Metro News. Obviously a Parody.

Local political parties literally shaking and crying uncontrollably after one of the two oldest, least qualified men ha...
07/23/2024

Local political parties literally shaking and crying uncontrollably after one of the two oldest, least qualified men has dropped out of the race, leaving only one geriatric man yelling about made-up nonsense on the ticket.

On station ave, we interviewed some pollsters.

Amy Lastraata, who was seemingly not thrilled with the move, said “I don’t give a f*** bout all that don’t ever run up on my sh*t* again.”

Local man Adam Feetreuciana is excited for a Trump win. “I think it’ll be cool to say the n word out loud again. I’m a big lil Wayne fan and all the pc barbies really put a hamper on that”

At Ashtabula Town Square, a glimmer of hope seemed to emerge amongst those with criminal records. An anonymous source told us “we’re really happy to see felons can ignore the law now. Hell, we’ve been carrying guns and ignoring it for years. If you just pretend you love America and complain about women and science a bunch, even the cops stop carin’”

We planned on reaching out to the county leadership, but didn’t want to interrupt the ice-cream parlor visits.

🚨 Geneva has entered a level 4 emergency 🚨 It appears several BLM anti-Jason Aldean, George Floyd rioters maliciously an...
07/29/2023

🚨 Geneva has entered a level 4 emergency 🚨

It appears several BLM anti-Jason Aldean, George Floyd rioters maliciously and intentionally/accidentally hit the Macdonald’s sign with their Antifa boat.

Geneva’s population has embraced a potential whopper shortage.

Harold Unetwick was on scene. He told us “who the hell needs to read the sign anyway?”

Others are embracing for a potential food shortage, as vegetables at the local Giant Eagle are 350% above national averages.

God speed, Geneva.

11/09/2022

Local Neighbors Intend to Keep Yard Signs Up for the next 8 Months:

Breaking- Local Neighbors have indicated they have absolutely no intentions of removing local yard signs. Darryl Temonyajk from Harpersfield indicated he wouldn’t be removing his signs until at least thanksgiving. The reason? “Well until I mow my lawn, I just like reminding those people going to the wineries that they lost. But mostly I just haven’t mowed my lawn yet.”

Darryl’s biggest worry for 2023? “I swear to god if we get that hippy grape round about I’m suing the dept of art for breaching my constitutional right to not politicizing a fruit! I mean what’s next, a turning lane on 534? These people are erasing our history”.

How long do you intend to keep up your yard signs?

Absolute Beefcake Local Politician Takes Selfie and Posts it To Social MediaRob Urpachets of the 98th Predicate posted a...
11/08/2022

Absolute Beefcake Local Politician Takes Selfie and Posts it To Social Media

Rob Urpachets of the 98th Predicate posted a selfie of his super-buff physique quickly after visiting a local business.

“These other politicians show me cookies and ice cream. I crave violence and confrontation” Urpachets said.

“It’s not every day you get a county that refuses to read the news and you can do what you want. I spend 3/4 of my work day at the gym and the other posting wicked hot selfies before heading down to Chix bar and fighting drunk felons”.

The city solicitor could not be reached for comment on Urpachets violation on Bula Bro Code 420.69 but did remark “he’s a weird guy, kinda strange- but at least he doesn’t post 30 pics of him with a mouthful of food 2 inches away from his face.”

BREAKING IN GENEVA: Geneva City has decided to ration each local pickup of leaves. Going forward, the city will collect ...
11/08/2022

BREAKING IN GENEVA:

Geneva City has decided to ration each local pickup of leaves.

Going forward, the city will collect 2 (two) whole leaves no longer than 6 (six) inches in length and 5 (five) inches in diameter. Please place these two leaves in a plastic bag and set them on your curb for pickup.

For the rest of your leaves, we suggest maybe a rake and some paper bags like pawpaw used to do.

For those who REALLY like picking up leaves, please let us know here and we’ll let you vaccuum strange yards all across the 44041 zip code. Not only is it exciting, you’ll get to meet local staunch figures who create affirming compliments like “if you miss a spot refund my taxes” and “why doesn’t anyone want to work at a place where I can yell at them.”

But seriously- our friends in Geneva could Use Some Help.

https://genevaohio.gov/pdfs/city_of_geneva_application.pdf

Citizens report: It appears that all the clocks in Ashtabula county have been moved by 12 hours. all reports seem to ind...
08/22/2022

Citizens report:

It appears that all the clocks in Ashtabula county have been moved by 12 hours. all reports seem to indicate the clocks were indeed moved by exactly 12 hours, and while the time shows correctly, no one is currently aware if it is AM or PM. The mass pandemonium has been nearly completely unreported by all mainstream media outlets. We are demanding answers.

One Citizen, Alvin Hretten, reached out and let us know “can I grab a dollar to get a beer at Perry Park News” at 1:00 pm (or potentially am, we are unsure) but needless to say, this issue is concerning everyone with unlimited potentially drastic effects on their health.

Please wait and seek shelter away from any clocks, as these 12 hour forward/backward no-good stinking clock pranksters could be anywhere. We don’t know if they’re moving the clocks forward or backwards, but when we hear any update, we will be sure to let you know.

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Ashtabula, OH
44004

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