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Allan Leslie for President, 102 E Avenue, Carrizozo, NM (2026)

09/23/2016

My fellow Americans, I promised in my last speech that I would offer my economic plan for recovery, so here it is.

First off, we really need to get to the bottom of things. It's just the logical place to start. So what I want to do is, we'll start by rebuilding the sewers in all of our towns and cities. You can't get much more bottom than that. It will create lots of jobs, not just in the digging up of all that--stuff--but in making all those great big pipes, trucking them to the work sites and all the other stuff that goes along with it. That's a lot of jobs, right there.

Next, as long as the streets are all ripped up anyway, we might as well put in new water mains and all that. More jobs for plumbers and pipe manufacturers and truckers and other ancillary guys. And while we're at it, we can throw in new gas lines and all those wires and cables and whatever else is built under the streets.

Might as well rebuild the mass transit, as well. That's underground, too. New subways with all new trains and whatnot, we'll have so many jobs, we'll have to hire immigrants to do the work. I mean, it's not as if Americans are all that interested in getting their hands dirty, right?

And how, you ask, will we pay for all that? That's mighty good question. And here's the answer: I reckon we can swap over about 5% or so of the defense budget. Those guys just waste the money anyway, on jets that won't fly and dumping military gear after they're done ripping apart some little foreign country somewhere. Let 'em bring that stuff home and get it refurbished. Look at that--more jobs!

Okay, we have the towns and cities taken care of--after all that rebuilding and back filling and the streets are repaved, we take the show on the road. Our interstate system hasn't been improved since it was first conceived. It can stand an overhaul, too. And, you got all your state and county roads to rebuild, bridges to replace, there's just all kinds of work needs doing there. Along with that, we can rebuild all the electrical wires and telephone wires and fiberoptics and all kinds of stuff. I can't see any reason why we have to have just about the world's slowest internet service, so that all needs rebuilt.

I expect another 5% or so off the Pentagon should take care of that, too.

In short, folks, I think we can do our whole economy a whole lot of good, just by overhauling all of our infrastructure. All of it. Ports, airports, anything that's called infrastructure, we rebuild it.

Just lop off a few more percent from the Pentagon, they're just wasting it all any way. Maybe if they don't have as much money coming in, they won't squander it all. Heck, if they can lose--I mean, just plain misplace!--over a trillion in cash, maybe this way they can learn to take better care of their money.

Am I talking about weakening our defense? Not nohow! We already spend more than half the rest of the world on defense as it is. What? Are we so damn paranoid that we figure we'll have to take on half the rest of the world in a war? Maybe we should take a look at what we're doing to p**s off the rest of the world, and cut it out. It sure wouldn't hurt us any to make nice with the rest of the world, instead of running rough shod over 'em all.

And speaking of the Pentagon wasting money, they're not the only ones. Just about any government operation you can lay initials onto, wastes money, too. It's pretty plain, I believe, that the Office of the Inspector General of every one of these alphabet outfits is not doing their job very well.

So what I'm proposing here is, we set each one of 'em onto the next, to investigate the fraud and waste that is being perpetrated. Now everyone knows, that we all know how to spend someone else's money better than we do our own. So if we have some of the FBI investigating the spending of the CIA, and the CIA investigating the NSA, and Agriculture investigating HUD and all the rest of 'em, we ought to root out a lot of waste and corruption.

Naturally, no one of these alphabets can do the job with just the people they have on hand now; they still have to do whatever it is they do, as well as running the investigations.

So, while we have people digging up city streets, we make up a draft to get the people above the streets in those big ol skyscrapers, draft these MBAs and Wall Street wh**es and set them to work on these investigative jobs. They'll be so mad about losing their big fat salaries for 2 years, they'll do the job with a vengeance, just to get back at the government for taking them out of their cushy money grubbing jobs.

They can get bonuses for every million or so of waste and fraud and corruption they dig up.

I want to take a look at that tax code, too. It's a mess. You ever try to read that thing? Of course not! Nobody does! Even the birdbrains that vote on it haven't read it. I'll put together a bunch of big brains from schools all over the country--liberals, conservatives, commies, libertarians--all of em. They can hammer out a tax code that's fair and equitable. Maybe even figure out a way to do away with the IRS, in the first place. Do that, and we can put all those IRS agents to work digging up the city streets. Might be good for 'em.

And by the way, I will repay Social Security, and set some guys to work on improving it. No point in us working all our lives paying into it, just to get ripped off when we retire and need it. Not that all of us need it. Those folks that're already set for life with all their millions and billions don't need Social Security. As long as they've been ripping off the lower and middle class all their lives, they can afford to pay into SS until they retire, and make up the difference for those of us that live on SS alone.

Fair's fair.

So anyway, that's about it, in a rough draft kind of a way. That's what I want to do as your president.

Remember, in November vote for Allan Leslie for President, I need the health care plan.

09/10/2016

It's been a while since I wrote to you, my fellow citizens of the greatest nation on Earth, so I figgered I ought to write a new campaign speech.

I know some people write position papers, but I'm not as clever as all that, so if you want to know my position, just read the K**a Sutra. It's pretty all-encompassing.

My fellow Americans, I think it'd be fair to say that whatever the other candidates are saying, they're all wrong. I mean, really, really wrong.

For instance, the orange fella, seems to me he doesn't like most Americans. You know, the black ones, the brown ones, the red ones, no matter what color they are, he doesn't seem to like them. For my part, I can't see why anyone would want to elect a talking carrot. Sure, everybody says that a politician doesn't need any more brains than a vegetable, but to actually vote for a talking carrot--that's too much. He'd be great on Saturday morning TV for the kids, except for the fertilizer that comes out of his mouth. I don't think kids should hear that kind of stuff. Now I've heard that he says cleaner stuff when he reads it off a teleprompter, but then he loses all that pizzazz he generates.

Now, I like most folks. There's one or two I don't like, but that's just because they're kinda stupid. And they're stupid in a way that would be correctable, if they'd just sit down and read a book all the way through once in awhile. Might not make them any smarter, but at least they'd shut up for awhile.

The second candidate comes to mind, well, I get the impression she'd rather have money than friends. That's awful sad. I figger, you have friends, you can borrow money from 'em sometimes. Or, you can go over to their house and for the price of a meal, all you have to do is sit and visit with them for a couple of hours. You know--converse together. You can learn a lot by conversating with folks; I reckon as how if I get elected, I'll just have to converse with folks that know more than I do about different things. Like, if I come up with an idea for settling things in the Middle East, I can talk it over with the Secretary of State to see how that should get done. Or if I have to, I can talk about it with the Secretary of Defense.

Problem there, though, is what in heck are we defending in Syria? It's not like we have all that many Americans living in Syria. And whoever is getting bombed over there, well, that's just a disgraceful mess. We can just back out of there, let all them other folks fight it out, and we can go back to winning wars all over the Carribean, and add in a whole bunch of new states.

Now, that brings up Puerto Rico. I've met some fine folks from there. I don't know why they don't want to be a state, but that's up to them. We don't need to take a war to PR, just because it's already a US Territory, anyway. I know about that stuff: New Mexico used to be a territory, a long time ago, and we got along just fine, then we decided one day we should oughta be a state, so we were. Just that easy.

Next we have that t**er that wants to be prez. I kinda like him, but he used to be governor here in New Mexico. That's all fine and dandy, I suppose, but it's kinda like being the class president of the fourth grade. Make that fifth grade, that first fella seems to be the one who wants to be prez of the 4th grade, he talks on that level, when he's not spitting out vituperation and inanity.

So, yeah, the t**er. I don't know what he wants to do as prez, but it makes sense that he'd want to have a small government. Finish up all the paper work in the afternoon, t**e all evening and chow down on munchies til you fall asleep: There'd have to be a small government.

Another one, well, I've heard she's kind of a lost hippie. I don't know, I haven't seen anything she's written on FB. People write about her, but unlike the t**er, she doesn't come on my timeline and write about herself. Doesn't even have all that much to say in the trending news. Never trust someone who won't talk about themselves at least a little bit. Not a lot, like that loudmouthed carrot, not like the one that hasn't hardly given a news conference since the last time she fell down on her head or whatever. No, a presidential candidate ought to talk about himself a little, so folks get to know him a bit, but mostly a candidate ought to talk about what they'll do to make America a better place to live.

Now, whatever else y'all want to know about me, as far as my plans for the country, you can just ask me, I'll make something up on the spot, some kind of solution that's guaranteed to work.

OK, I think that's enough for tonight. I want to leave you plenty of time to think over what I just said.

And remember, this November, vote for Allan Leslie for President, I need the health care plan.

06/15/2016

My fellow Americans, While I have attempted to keep my campaign clean and inviolate, it has come to my attention that one of my opponents has most obfuscatorily disdained my campaign, and I cannot allow this to continue.

To one and all, I must share the complete and unvarnished truth about Senator Bernie Sanders.

I must, most regretfully, establish in print this speech I recently delivered at the National Convention of the Don't Know Crap Political Party, where I was most graciously given the nod as our Candidate for the Office of President of the United States of America.

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here in the Musty Walls Saloon in beautiful downtown Carrizozo, New Mexico,
today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.

My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.

When I embarked upon this political campaign I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.

At first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to get one !

It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath ? Well, exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. And even during his childhood !

Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated his own sister while they were both teenagers !

I ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth ? Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background -- no, not when you consider the other members of his family:

His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion
My opponent's second cousin is a Mormon
His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual
His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte outside a church
His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature
His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homosapien
His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease
His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine
His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers
And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian
Now what shall we say of the man himself ?

I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility, and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well.

He perambulated his infant son on the street
He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin
He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately
He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other odd goings-on, there was incense
He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses
He has advocated social in*******se in mixed company -- and has taken part in such gatherings himself
He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets
He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes
Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the American flag
Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign "isms", he has coolly announced his belief in altruism -- and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic !

I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.

The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.

Do your duty.

04/01/2016

My fellow Americans, greetings from our national headquarters in beautiful downtown Carrizozo. (Our fair city is so small that, being on the outskirts of town, we're just about in downtown, so we get to stretch the point a bit.)

I confess to not writing a campaign speech for some time, but I had good reason: The Republicans have been getting all the laughs.

But tonight, I can't help but bring out a few words to the many who have been looking into this page and the Don't Know Crap Political Party page. To date, 55 people have looked us up here on FB, and I feel that I must proffer some semblance of campaigning.

I made a promise to myself that I would do no negative campaigning, and so far I've kept that promise. I'll continue to keep that promise. All those other guys have saved me all that skull sweat. Anything negative I might say about them, they've already said in buckets full.

I confess, I used to be a Republican. Then along came Bush Jr. I had to resolve a discrepancy: How could I be a Republican, when I have an IQ of 138? So I switched to Independent. But in NM, there are only two parties, Beer and Pot. I had to switch so that I could vote in the primary. As much as I would love to vote for myself in the primary I can't, not without being a Beer candidate or else a Pot candidate.

I don't drink beer anymore, nor do I t**e, but I don't mind if other people have those particular political leanings. Currently, I'm a registered Pot Party member so I can get the primary out of the way. I have a favorite Pot Party candidate with the slogan something like "Bern One for Bernie." Not that I'm going to mention any names, because after all, I am a candidate, myself. It wouldn't be right for me to try to run my own campaign and simultaneously advocate for someone in a different party. No sir, not right at all. And I'm also not going to advocate for a candidate on the left who has an arrow pointing right in her political banner. (Again, not naming any names.)

I can't bring myself to advocate for the Beer Party candidates. One is too stupid, one is flaming ( or will be, after he croaks--God only has one Messiah, and that job's taken), while the third Beer Party Candidate, a secret source tells me, doesn't like the taste of Beer Party politics.

So I'm not going to stump for any other candidate but me, and I'm the only candidate for president on the Don't Know Crap Party. For that reason, I haven't had to work too hard on the primary campaign.

But the general election is coming up sometime later this year. I need to start getting ready for that one. I just need to get someone to pay off the FEC so I can get on the ballot, or operate a campaign, or whatever it is you have to pay for. I've heard it's pretty steep, though, so I'll have to rely on some money bags or other to get me on the ballot. Any takers?

If you've had the fortitude to read all my other campaign speeches below here, you know about some of my campaign promises and where I stand on some of the issues. I'm gonna try to add in some more promises and issues that I know are near and dear to the hearts of my audience.

First off, I'm sure you all want to know where I stand on terrorism. Well, I'm against it. Terrorism has no place in America. We Americans already live in terror of the next terrorist attack. Living in fear is a particularly stupid way to live. It's no fun and it doesn't pay well, except for the most terrifying terrorist organization in America.

What I propose in the way of dealing with that heinous organization is simple, but I'll need your help with it. What I'm going to ask you to do may seem frightening, but that's better than terrifying. It goes against the grain of our great American way of life, our traditions and our American principles, but it's legal and it needs to be done.

Don't vote for any incumbent.

If there's one thing that scares us most, it's wondering if Congress is going to finally do something, or continue as they have been. So vote for someone who's never been elected before. There are plenty of potential candidates for Congress, but my numero uno suggestion is that you vote for your town or neighborhood drunk. That way you'll have a candidate that you already know and trust to have an opinion on every issue. Granted, it may change from day to day, depending on who he happens to be talking to, and who bought him his last drink, but that's good.

Your town drunk is guaranteed to have an opinion on every issue that comes his way. No pussyfooting around, no hemming and hawing (though he might hawk and spit), no trumping up an idea and sticking to it; he'll listen to you. Might not take in a word you say, but for the price of a drink, he'll listen to you. Until he passes out. Once he's in office, he can be had for the price of a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or black and white label vodka. Just don't buy him any beer, or whatever he says won't make any sense at all. He's a secret member of the Beer Party, and you don't want one of those jokers again. Stick to vodka or something like that. He'll pass out sooner, and then you can just slip a note into his pocket telling him how to vote on an issue.

Another good congressional candidate would be your town cop. They tend to clear the air pretty quick, and they have some sort of notion of right and wrong. And if they think something's wrong, they'll take action right away.

I know what you're thinking, Mr., Miss, Ms, or Mrs. America: That's just about the most laughable way to change Congress there is, but if we get enough cops and drunks in Congress, I, as your president, will be able to get them to finally vote on important legislation. I'll be able to do that because I'm the president, and we all know how much both of those groups respect authority.

So remember, come election time, vote for Allan Leslie for President: I need the health care package.

04/01/2016

My fellow Americans, greetings from our national headquarters in beautiful downtown Carrizozo. (Our fair city is so small that, being on the outskirts of town, we're just about in downtown, so we get to stretch the point a bit.)

I confess to not writing a campaign speech for some time, but I had good reason: The Republicans have been getting all the laughs.

But tonight, I can't help but bring out a few words to the many who have been looking into this page and the Don't Know Crap Political Party page. To date, 55 people have looked us up here on FB, and I feel that I must proffer some semblance of campaigning.

I made a promise to myself that I would do no negative campaigning, and so far I've kept that promise. I'll continue to keep that promise. All those other guys have saved me all that skull sweat. Anything negative I might say about them, they've already said in buckets full.

I confess, I used to be a Republican. Then along came Bush Jr. I had to resolve a discrepancy: How could I be a Republican, when I have an IQ of 138? So I switched to Independent. But in NM, there are only two parties, Beer and Pot. I had to switch so that I could vote in the primary. As much as I would love to vote for myself in the primary I can't, not without being a Beer candidate or else a Pot candidate.

I don't drink beer anymore, nor do I t**e, but I don't mind if other people have those particular political leanings. Currently, I'm a registered Pot Party member so I can get the primary out of the way. I have a favorite Pot Party candidate with the slogan something like "Bern One for Bernie." Not that I'm going to mention any names, because after all, I am a candidate, myself. It wouldn't be right for me to try to run my own campaign and simultaneously advocate for someone in a different party. No sir, not right at all. And I'm also not going to advocate for a candidate on the left who has an arrow pointing right in her political banner. (Again, not naming any names.)

I can't bring myself to advocate for the Beer Party candidates. One is too stupid, one is flaming ( or will be, after he croaks--God only has one Messiah, and that job's taken), while the third Beer Party Candidate, a secret source tells me, doesn't like the taste of Beer Party politics.

So I'm not going to stump for any other candidate but me, and I'm the only candidate for president on the Don't Know Crap Party. For that reason, I haven't had to work too hard on the primary campaign.

But the general election is coming up sometime later this year. I need to start getting ready for that one. I just need to get someone to pay off the FEC so I can get on the ballot, or operate a campaign, or whatever it is you have to pay for. I've heard it's pretty steep, though, so I'll have to rely on some money bags or other to get me on the ballot. Any takers?

If you've had the fortitude to read all my other campaign speeches below here, you know about some of my campaign promises and where I stand on some of the issues. I'm gonna try to add in some more promises and issues that I know are near and dear to the hearts of my audience.

First off, I'm sure you all want to know where I stand on terrorism. Well, I'm against it. Terrorism has no place in America. We Americans already live in terror of the next terrorist attack. Living in fear is a particularly stupid way to live. It's no fun and it doesn't pay well, except for the most terrifying terrorist organization in America.

What I propose in the way of dealing with that heinous organization is simple, but I'll need your help with it. What I'm going to ask you to do may seem frightening, but that's better than terrifying. It goes against the grain of our great American way of life, our traditions and our American principles, but it's legal and it needs to be done.

Don't vote for any incumbent.

If there's one thing that scares us most, it's wondering if Congress is going to finally do something, or continue as they have been. So vote for someone who's never been elected before. There are plenty of potential candidates for Congress, but my numero uno suggestion is that you vote for your town or neighborhood drunk. That way you'll have a candidate that you already know and trust to have an opinion on every issue. Granted, it may change from day to day, depending on who he happens to be talking to, and who bought him his last drink, but that's good.

Your town drunk is guaranteed to have an opinion on every issue that comes his way. No pussyfooting around, no hemming and hawing (though he might hawk and spit), no trumping up an idea and sticking to it; he'll listen to you. Might not take in a word you say, but for the price of a drink, he'll listen to you. Until he passes out. Once he's in office, he can be had for the price of a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or black and white label vodka. Just don't buy him any beer, or whatever he says won't make any sense at all. He's a secret member of the Beer Party, and you don't want one of those jokers again. Stick to vodka or something like that. He'll pass out sooner, and then you can just slip a note into his pocket telling him how to vote on an issue.

Another good congressional candidate would be your town cop. They tend to clear the air pretty quick, and they have some sort of notion of right and wrong. And if they think something's wrong, they'll take action right away.

I know what you're thinking, Mr., Miss, Ms, or Mrs. America: That's just about the most laughable way to change Congress there is, but if we get enough cops and drunks in Congress, I, as your president, will be able to get them to finally vote on important legislation. I'll be able to do that because I'm the president, and we all know how much both of those groups respect authority.

So remember, come election time, vote for Allan Leslie for President: I need the health care package.

07/03/2015

RELIGION IN GOVERNMENT

My fellow Americans and all y'all that want to vote for me all around the world, Hey, how ya doin'?

Ordinarily, I don't take my lead from whatever all the other candidates are saying or doing, mostly because a lot of them take themselves seriously. We all know where that leads: Someone else might run the risk of taking them seriously, too.

But they're forcing me here to talk about the place of religion in government, so here goes.

We think of government, here in the US of A, as being "of the people, by the people, and for the people." Most folks believe that because they can't think of anything more original to say, and that's alright, not everyone can think up these pithy little quotes. I know I can't.

The thing about government is, we need someone to do stuff for us that we can't do for ourselves. You can't just go out in front of your house and build aroad, you need people who know what they're doing, see what I'm saying? It's the same for everything else. For instance, if the Martians invade--and we get a lot of that out here in New Mexico--you need government to kill 'em off, and hide the evidence, so as to not start an interstellar incident. Happens more frequently than you might think. The Russians are really bad about that, always looking to pick a fight. True story--That's why they got into the whole space race thing in the first place. It wasn't about the US of A, that's egotistical thinking. No, back then, Kruschev was looking for some Alpha Centaurian b***y to kick. (Almost worked, too, if the AC guys had ever stopped laughing long enough. Like I said: True story.)

As for government by the people, that means, in theory, anyone who's a citizen can become a politician. Now, a prez has to be a natural born citizen, and I qualify for that. I was born in Binghamton, New York. Says so on my birth certificate. You can look it up, although why anyone would want to bother, I don't know. It's not like I was born in Texas.

So a citizen can become a government guy just by running for office. Like me. Then, when the job's done, he can go home and get back to work. Least ways, he ought to. Some folks are so--let's say mentally challenged, tho we used to say retarded--that they're unable to go home and get a job again. Poor fellers are stuck on a treadmill for the rest of their lives, and have to live on corporate welfare to make ends meet. It's not their fault, really, they're just too stupid to get out of that legislatural rut and go back to being ordinary productive citizens. Really, you can only pity them.

Then there's government for the people. That's the tough part. It seems to me that government for the people has become the big deal, with government for the people being a matter of protecting us from ourselves. This is done by people who don't know how to protect their own selves. Personally, I don't think we need all that much protection from ourselves. The more government tries to protect us from ourselves, the more we need protecting from.

How I see it, we ought to be governmenting for the people by making sure people have a job to go to every day, so they can afford therapy so they don't start shooting each other. By the way, taking guns away from everyone will just lead to an increase in bows and arrows, slingshots, and big ol' four wheel drive trucks. Good for the economy, but still deadly. If a guy wants to kill someone, he'll find a way.

Government for the people ought to be about making sure that we are knit together as a nation, developing our own culture, making up our own minds rather than foreigners on the tip of Manhattan telling us what to do. It should make sure we get our kids educated, vaccinated, educated and friendly. And a bunch of other stuff, too boring to go into.

Government should be a government of the people, by the people, and for the people.

What more can possibly be said about it?

I'm Allan Leslie, and I'm running for President of the United States, because I need the health plan.

Allan Leslie for President

09/23/2016

09/10/2016

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