05/27/2026
🚨 OFFICIAL UPDATE: We’ve Gone Retro! 🚨
Well, folks, it appears our phone lines and internet have officially packed their bags and gone on an unscheduled vacation. We have absolutely no idea when they’ll be checking back in to work.
What this means for you:
☎️ Calling us? Our admin lines are playing the silent treatment.
🛑 Reporting a crime? If it’s an emergency, please dial 9-1-1 immediately.
🚔 Are we still working? Yes! Our officers are still out on the streets, doing the police stuff. We just lost the ability to Google "how to fix a server cable."
Yes, we tried unplugging everything, blowing on the cords, and plugging them back in. If our router refuses to cooperate and our internet stays down, we are fully prepared to write a citation for loitering and failure to connect. We will also be providing the router, modem, and associated cables with a mandatory court date to explain their lack of productivity to a judge.
Please do not comment on this post to report crimes or ask for a callback, as we cannot monitor these messages in real-time. If you have a non-emergency that requires an officer to be dispatched, please flag down a patrolling unit or dial 478-934-6282.
Thank you for your patience! We'll keep you updated as soon as our IT department finishes negotiating with the ghost in the machine. ☕👮♂️💻