Dallas Ebola National Monument

09/29/2019

As we celebrate Ebolaversary, we pause and remember the utter incompetence with which the city and county of Dallas handled the Ebola Epidemic in Dallas and also remind you that all Dallas Ebola Tours daylong packages are 25 percent off today only. With Dallas Disease District.

06/08/2019

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Dontneeda Blowit, Deputy Executive Director for Communications

STATEMENT OF DALLAS EBOLA NATIONAL MONUMENT BOARD OF DIRECTORS ON DALLAS RUNOFF ELECTIONS

The board of directors of the currently under construction Dallas Ebola National Monument at the Dallas Disease District, made up of several Hunts, one of Jerry Jones first-degree relatives, and other wealthy white people, has issued the following statement on the Dallas municipal election runoffs:

“It would be a crying shame if we elected a reform-minded candidate like Scott Griggs for Dallas as mayor of this city.

Reform causes problems. Reform causes investigations. Reform causes change. We don’t need any of that in Dallas. Dallas is just fine the way it is.

Imagine: if Scott Griggs had been mayor just a few short years ago, the Dallas Ebola National Monument, a $32 billion project funded mostly by taxpayers and private foundations, would not exist today! Griggs things things like our National Monument are boondoggles.

Vote Eric Johnson for mayor! Support the status quo! It got us where we are today!”

08/12/2018

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: John T. Worstime, Director of Marketing and Public Relations, Dallas Ebola National Monument

DALLAS EBOLA NATIONAL MOMUMENT BOARD, Dallas Disease District TIF DENY THAT CARAWAY PLEA WILL IMPACT THEM

Officials of Dallas Ebola National Monument and the Dallas Disease District TIF late Saturday dispelled rumors that former Dallas City Councilman Dwaine Caraway's recent plea agreement with the U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Texas had anything to do with the formation of the district or its operations.

"To the best of our knowledge, at this time, with the information currently available, and based on credible facts we believe to be true based on limited information avaliable to us at present, we do not believe that either Dallas Ebola National Monument or the Dallas Disease District will be implicated as a result of former Dallas City Councilman Dwaine Caraway's recent plea deal," said Charlotte N. DeNile, general counsel for the monument and the district.

"It is perposterous to believe that the $37 million dollars appropriated to the TIF and the monument without a council vote and in secret by the city was in any way improper or illegal," DeNile continued. "This money barely covers the cost of our parking garage and fees to consultants," she continued.

"The claim that board members gave Councilman Caraway three Chevy Tahoes, a deck of poker cards autographed by Al Capone, two vacant lots in Dolphin Heights, and a $2 million condo in the soon-to-be-built Ivy Towers at Dallas Ebola National Monument Towne Center and Dallas Ebola National Monument DART Station is perposterous," said Ja'Naught Gonpleadout, Chairman of the TIF Board. "Everyone knows Dwain goes for much cheaper than that, and it only cost us one restored 1981 Buick Skylark, partial interest in a lot in Doplhin Heights, and a paper sack that contained items still secret to the board, provided by Walt Humann, to get this done," Gonpleadout said.

DeNile classified the gifts as "perfectly legal recognition items, like plaques."

"The rumor that our entire board, the mayor, and the former HUD secretary are all targets of the US Attorney's probe is something we cannot confirm or deny," Gonpleadout said. "Maybe, maybe not," she said. "It has been a busy week and frankly, none of the board has even had time to deal with this because they've been meeting with their attorneys non-stop in relation to matters that most likely have absolutely nothing to do with this, based on information now avaliable," she said.

If indictments are forthcoming, DeNile said her strategy is ready.

"We will vigerously defend the board," she said. "Graft like this is just how s**t gets done in Dallas, and we won't apologize for helping gentrify Five Points," DeNile said.

"I was finally able to reach Councilman Philip Kingston, which was difficult, because signal is very bad at his lofty moral perch high above everyone else in the city, and he told me he wasn't sure if we needed to worry. However, when I reached Councilman Tennell Atkinson, at an eight-liner parlor in his district, he just asked me if I was wearing a wire and told me to lose the number and cussed me out, so really, I don't know what the hell is going on, but I stand behind the TIF 100 percent," said Elizabeth "Sugar" Wergoindon, Treasurer of the TIF.

--30--

10/26/2017

🚨🚨🚨🚨RED ALERT!! JFK ASSASSINATION NOW SOLVED🚨🚨🚨🚨

Although the National Archives and Records Administration is releasing the last of the JFK assassination records today, we here at Dallas Ebola National Monument wanted to let you know that we've already solved the mystery.

We found an East Dallas Chiccaronnes Cart Vendor who can read TAKIS. What does that mean, you ask? It means that he can spill Takis on the ground and tell you your future, and what happened in the past, by reading the pattern in which the Takis fall! AMAZING!

We asked him to do this for us yesterday and here is the result.

"It looks to me like some guy was trying to shoot pigeons that were crapping on his car and accidentally shot the President. Ain't that a byotch! Also, this says you owe me $37.50 and that you will never bear children."

After we punched the Chiccarrones Cart vendor in the throat for being cheeky, and gave him his $37.50, he also told us that the pattern the Takis fell in is called 'Bird over sticks in the stars' and usually means someone totally incompetent will be running for mayor of Dallas soon.

10/24/2017

Dear Central Track:

What the hell kind of crap is this? No Ebola? No Dallas White Citizens Council?

LAME. We are making our own. Stay tuned.

10/02/2017

Dallas Ebola National Monument is proud to announce that we have secured a $14 million annual contract with the city of Dallas to lick envelopes for the new company printing water bills! Since the city of Dallas couldn't figure out how to change the printer cartridge on the printer that printed the water bills after left (seriously, he was the ONLY one who knew how to work this damn thing), DENM is taking full advantage of this opportunity to bring more money to the monument district!

We will be turning four units of the Ivy Apartments in to licking facilities, and will hire approximately 127 homeless people one day a month to lick envelopes. We've specifically hired homeless people who like getting seriously high and sick to their stomach on envelope glue! Two Points At The Dallas Hot Wings Trail TIF is bidding on the $900,000 contract to provide vomit bucket services to the envelope lickers, as well as comfort dogs for people who get too high off envelope glue and start tripping.

The city of Dallas approved on Wednesday a $10 million contract for water bills.

09/22/2017

Such beautiful infrastructure! ❤

This beauty is at Lawnview and Samuell!!

Is this literally a rotting tree with a light attached? 10/10 Would definitely like to be nearby when a two miles per hour wind blows this one over! ❤❤❤

09/15/2017

Disappointed!!! Where are your submissions, people???????

Is this photo real? Please let this be real! Not even we can tell. Who's to say some underpaid city bureaucrat who had never heard of this particular colloquialism for the female anatomy contained in this particular urban slang using the word for an Australian sports device, which Urban Dictionary, that great arbiter of Popular Culture defines as, "When someone you have had s*x with in the past shows up or are friends with someone you want to have s*x with in the future, they are a po****ng boomerang," and inadvertantly granted this application? Stranger things have happened. Years of city campaign finance reports disappeared in minutes from the city of Dallas website, and we are still hundreds of hours and millions of dollars in consulting fees from finding a scapegoat for that.

Irrespective of what is or is not a po****ng boomerang, or whether or not this is real, or someone used rubbing alcohol and a sharpie to change the proposed name on this sign which we do not specifically, explicitly, or implicitly endorse.

We do, however, fully endorse you MEMEING THE FREAKING HECK OUT OF THIS!

Think Buckner Boulevard should be renamed Street of Sadness and Shame? Use Word Swag or whatever the kids are using these days and .

We are too lazy to create a bunch of memes and show you what we are talking about, so we created a bunch of half memes and only changed the proposed street names. TBH, we don't know where TF McKee street is, but we're pretty sure it must be named after a slaving Confederate General, or some gross gentrifying developer, so we just left it in place. We will share the album next.

Drop those memes in our DMs! Let's get HUNDREDS!

09/14/2017

09/14/2017

Is this photo real? Please let this be real! Not even we can tell. Who's to say some underpaid city bureaucrat who had never heard of this particular colloquialism for the female anatomy contained in this particular urban slang using the word for an Australian sports device, which Urban Dictionary, that great arbiter of Popular Culture defines as, "When someone you have had s*x with in the past shows up or are friends with someone you want to have s*x with in the future, they are a po****ng boomerang," and inadvertantly granted this application? Stranger things have happened. Years of city campaign finance reports disappeared in minutes from the city of Dallas website, and we are still hundreds of hours and millions of dollars in consulting fees from finding a scapegoat for that.

Irrespective of what is or is not a po****ng boomerang, or whether or not this is real, or someone used rubbing alcohol and a sharpie to change the proposed name on this sign which we do not specifically, explicitly, or implicitly endorse.

We do, however, fully endorse you MEMEING THE FREAKING HECK OUT OF THIS!

Think Buckner Boulevard should be renamed Street of Sadness and Shame? Use Word Swag or whatever the kids are using these days and .

We are too lazy to create a bunch of memes and show you what we are talking about, so we created a bunch of half memes and only changed the proposed street names. TBH, we don't know where TF McKee street is, but we're pretty sure it must be named after a slaving Confederate General, or some gross gentrifying developer, so we just left it in place. We will share the album next.

Drop those memes in our DMs! Let's get HUNDREDS!