The City of Dexter

04/12/2021

We want to remind the citizens of Dexter that our "committee" to find a City Administrator is still working diligently; sorting through the stacks and stacks of résumés (actually there aren't that many) to find the biggest dipsh*t we can to fill this position. Rest assured, we will accomplish this task, even though there are a few dipsh*ts to choose from.

One of the criteria for the job will be to at least be smart enough (and professional enough) to remove the ballcap from your head during an official Board of Alderman meeting. If you can't show that common sense courtesy, you probably shouldn't expect to be considered.

Dexter, MO - The Dexter Board of Aldermen passed two ordinance on Monday at its April meeting. The first ordinance authorizes the city to execute a block grant agreement with the MO Highway and Transportation Commission for a sum not to exceed $774,258.00.  The city of Dexter will match these f...

03/08/2019

Congratulations to our citizenry!

You have the highest rate of divorce among any city in Missouri! (21%) which is almost twice the national average! (of 10.9%)

However, those are rookie numbers and we feel that these numbers could be significantly increased before next year; after all, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico is putting up 26.8%!

We've put together a few quick reminders to help you achieve next years goal of highest divorce rate in the nation:

1. Financial strains are high on the list of reasons for divorce. Keep running up that debt! Nothing causes more tension in a relationship than the knowledge that you and your spouse are living WAY beyond your means (and we know there's a LOT of that going on here in Dexter) There is marriage ending stress caused by living in a huge house that you can't even afford furniture for. So get out there, max those credit cards, buy that new Escalade and / or Ranger bass boat and don't look back! (DISCLAIMER: after the divorce, you may be responsible for half of that debt. Bummer.)

2. Infidelity. A LOT of you already seasoned pros at this one, but in case you don't already know, you should start by attending church. The hookup rate with other married members of local congregations has a greater rate of success than using Tinder, POF, etc. and in the end, there could be two divorces out of the deal! Also, if you are employed at any local factory (Faurecia, Tyson, etc.), your odds are pretty good of hooking up with someone who is already married.

3. Get married when you are young. Seriously. Get married just out of high school or at least while one of you is still living with your parents. Also, we have way too many u***d mothers in this town not to get a divorce statistic out of it. Ladies, haven't you heard you're supposed to be married before you lock crotches and swap gravy with a man? Take the extra step; get married FIRST, then have your kid. Add steps 1. and 2. into the mix and you can't miss...you'll be "between marriages" in no time!

Another quick statistic: of the 21% of divorced persons residing in Dexter, a whopping 90% of those couples resided (or one of the parties still resides in) the Northwest Oaks subdivision.

Let's get to work, folks!

Divorces happen all across the country, but the percentage of the population that is divorced can vary from city to city.

11/15/2018

❄️WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY/COLD WEATHER SAFETY REMINDERS❄️

With the current snow and freezing conditions we would like everyone to remember: when meeting that "special someone" (who isn't your spouse) during your break / lunch hour at the East City Park for a quick sexual encounter in your vehicle, be sure and keep a window or two cracked to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning. Also, keep in mind that by fogging up your windows, the moisture can freeze on unheated portions and could block your vision; hindering your ability to safely try to drive off quickly after spotting a Police or Parks Department vehicle approaching.

This warning is directed (but not limited to) Faurecia and Tyson employees, but also applies to all the utility company employees (AT&T, Ameren, etc.) who just use their company vehicles to nap most of the day in the park.

10/30/2018

Due to the possibility of inclimate weather, trick or treating on Halloween has been cancelled for this year.

However, if it does rain, the 2nd Annual "Single Mothers Of Dexter" Sexy Halloween Costume Contest will be still be held, but the format will be changed to a wet T-shirt / costume contest. Keep your fingers crossed for cold, wet weather!

02/03/2018

It's been a couple of months since we've posted anything, because we've been busy trying to find teachers, instructors and counselors for an annual youth gathering which is underway at a local church.

We are sorry to report that we haven't been able to find any experienced adults to mentor these teens and as a result, the event may be cancelled next year, because all of the young women and men in attendance (especially the high schoolers) already know the best ways to give and / or receive "The D"-now.

11/02/2017

As you may have noticed, we have started putting up the Christmas decorations in town. We know that many of our citizens have been asking themselves "Why start putting Christmas decorations up on Halloween?" The reason for this is simple....we are cancelling Thanksgiving.

You see, Thanksgiving does nothing to generate tax revenue, so we are going to push Christmas to the forefront and follow Walmart's lead, in order to stimulate the economy and line our coffers. When we bypass Thanksgiving, we can get right into the blatant commercialization of Christmas and get another whole month of activities (Santa visits, caroling, etc.) to justify the upkeep of the barely used Depot / "Visitors Center" and Caboose. Besides, spending time in thankful reflection with your family is really overrated, isn't it? Your kids are going to have their nose stuck in their smart phones anyhow and we all know this time of year is about spending money we don't have and in the process, sinking farther into the dark abyss of credit card debt....it's a Dexter tradition.

The cancellation of Thanksgiving also requires those who actually try to celebrate the un-holiday to purchase a "Thanksgiving permit". If you have that cliché Thanksgiving display in your front yard (consisting of three straw bales, corn stalks, uncarved pumpkins and overpriced mums) you will have to acquire the said permit, take down the display, or face steep property tax penalties.

10/28/2017

By now, most of us have all heard about the Dexter Public Schools policy to randomly perform urinalysis drug testing on students of both genders, who are involved in extracurricular school activities, starting January 1st, 2018. The first portion of the policy was the most discussed, however, there are also two other subsections to the policy that the public should also be made aware of.

The first portion of the policy stated that the purpose of the testing is to screen students who are participating in any MSHSAA related sport and or activity (Band, Choir, Speech/Debate, Scholar Bowl) and to determine if any of these students are involved with illegal drugs, anabolic steroids and alcohol.

The second part of the policy states that while being tested for illicit drugs, students will also be tested for “Don’t You Know Who My Dad Is?”, a condition which if the result of the test is positive, would cause the test to become null and void and immediately be swept under the rug.

The third (and least discussed) portion of the policy states that since students are tested for their behavior involving extracurricular activities, that teachers and staff be tested for their behavior involving extramarital affairs with their co-workers.

In hopes of providing “more bang for your tax dollar buck”, all urine samples will also be tested for STD’s, as well as be screened for pregnancies. Parents of students and spouses of staff will be immediately notified if either of these tests shows positive.

10/21/2017

Are you too far in credit card debt to afford a Brodozer of your very own? Give our new frame a try to satisfy your need to roll coal, at least until you get caught up on that back child support and can pay for a real one! YEE YEE 🌽

10/15/2017

In response to continual citizen complaints, we have investigated reports of a thick, cloudy haze over certain areas of town, as well as areas just outside the city limits. Although other areas of town are nominally affected, the areas inside the city limits where this issue is the most prevalent are the subdivisions of Timber Creek, Bent Creek and Northwest Oaks. In response to these complaints, we commissioned an air quality survey of the affected areas. That testing has been completed.

Although the results of the tests were not surprising, we would like to announce to our citizens that there are no health risks associated with breathing the air in these areas. The haze that has settled over the Timber Creek and Bent Creek subdivisions turned out to be nothing more than a huge smug cloud. The thick fog over the Northwest Oaks area was revealed to be a massive cloud of credit card debt and second mortgages, mixed with large traces of unhappy marriages.

10/06/2017

Due to the influx of visitors from the backwoods areas of Stoddard County and the steady stream of vacationers from Dudley, we have decided to provide works of art, that will be readily available for viewing, in order to help these guests feel more at home. Instead of hiring artists and spending ridiculous amounts of money to make scrap metal "art" like The City of Cape Girardeau, we intend on commandeering trailers of scrap metal and parking them in random places in town.

And by "random places", we mean "The Cotton Belt" area and "Northside" of town.

And by "commandeering" we mean "leaving the junk that's already in place where it is".

Travelers should not have to venture very far into these areas before they see the "artwork", which is in overabundance on every block. We would invite any visitors to take all the pictures they want, but ask that they please do not to touch any of the displays unless they have a current Tetanus vaccination.

10/04/2017

Good news and bad news.

Starting January 1st, 2018, The City of Dexter will implement a property tax on vehicles. That's the bad news.

The good news is, the new tax will only affect owners of 4X4 "BroDozer" diesel trucks. The tax money collected will be used to purchase carbon credits in order to offset the greenhouse gases these obnoxious vehicles produce. If you're gonna "roll coal", it's gonna cost you.

Trucks with YETI®, Salt Life®, Browning® Buck, or Mossy Oak® stickers in the back window, 12" drop hitch to pull your lawn mower trailer, LED lights on the cab, chrome stacks, chrome cage bumpers and / or 12" diameter chromed exhaust tapering into factory pipes, will pay the highest amounts. Anyone observed wearing the following articles of clothing while driving will pay an extra penalty: True Religion jeans (or any other "Shiney Hiney" jeans), Tapout / Affliction T-shirt, Hurley®T-shirt or white Oakley® Gascans. We realize most "BroDozer" owner / operators may not be able to afford such stiff taxation, due to all of their money being spent on YETI® coolers, truck accessories, Copenhagen to***co and back child support, but our goal is to tax these vehicles out of existence. We are tired of listening to you bumping Shotgun Shane's "Yee Yee" or some other "Tractor Rap" song through your crappy factory stereo, while breathing the noxious odors these redneck vehicles produce while they are heading out toward BROkeback Mountain to a "BROdeo"...if you know what we mean and we think you do.