Lyssa's Sanctuary

05/28/2025

My life....

04/22/2023

04/21/2023

Tommy Jaxson
7pm Tonight
come out and enjoy
we will be boiling shrimp

04/21/2023

I need this in my life

04/21/2023

Loving life with my boys

01/09/2023

I remember hating you for leaving me alone in a world that I didn't care to understand. Twenty years and some change ... Allot of change. I taught myself to make it acceptable and dropped pieces of myself in place of breadcrumbs just in case I ever needed to find my way back to where it all began... Only, I don't know where it began and I don't remember where it started over and I sure as f**k don't remember how or where I left what ever I was searching for.
I'm sure I found it once upon a time. Maybe in a dark room filled with cigarette smoke, and maybe I found it there more often than I should have. Whatever the case, it is definitely gone now and I don't believe my ability to want it remains. Just remember... You left me here and I grew strong because I had no choice but what did I lose along the way... I lost my need for You ... And then I tossed you in the box with the rest of my memories and burned them when my secrets stung.
What a slow way to die... Piece by piece, mile by mile. Life after pointless life lived only to sustain the reality while I waited for the lie to consume me again. I hated you for selling me that lie , for all the years I spent waiting on what would never come. I hated you for leaving me alone in a world I despised . I hated you for breeding the animal I became. I hated you because I knew I was exactly what I set out to become ... Lost

01/08/2023

What is the value of a feeling? You can't see it, you can't measure it. It's always a hit and miss situation. To me they are valued above everything. If I can't feel it, I don't want it. Not all feelings are real, permanent or even direct. I might feel nothing but superficial pleasure for something one day and then feel the guilt of it the next day ... I'm good at that one. I like things that give me immediate gratification... Pleasure in the moment yet they aren't always very pleasurable to look back on. I find that I revisit allot of pain as well .
I have learned thru the years that my memories still feel the way they did when they were fresh. My favorite was when I was 15. Totally inappropriate I'm sure, but it would become a key moment in my life that defined who I would be. I was standing in the hall of a man's house, details unimportant... Leaning against the frame of the bathroom door watching him shave. I don't remember the conversation but I do remember the moment. Something inside me stirred at that moment that I had never felt before and it frightened me. I hung around a little longer and left without ever entertaining my curiosity. It haunted me for years. I thought of it often and hated myself for not pushing it to it's limits, it likely would have been amazing if I had. There have been other things in my life that created similar feelings but never one like that very first one. If I was to try to explain it, I could only liken it to my first or**sm... Yes, like that. I've sense realized that the fear it created was most often my downfall and that moment defined me as a person. Now, if something invokes fear in me, I push it to it's limits because I know the pleasure that likely only I can take from it. It's like a drug. I tell people I have no fear. I have very little. Kind of like becoming numb to your favorite drug. I wish I experienced more fear but then I would be a j***y for sure.