06/19/2020
Now Hiring: Police Officer
Are you interested in becoming part of the occupation with the highest su***de rate of any profession? If you choose not to kill yourself, you’ll be happy to know that a 2013 study published by the National Institutes of Health found the average life expectancy of a police officer to be 57. Does a divorce rate of almost certainty sound great to you?
Well then, once you go through an invasive and detailed background check, physiological examination, physical examination, fitness test, written test and a 6 month long (often live in) boot camp style academy, you’ll be released to the streets where uncertainty and possible death wait around every corner!
Before your first tour of duty, you can look forward to being issued used and often expired body armor that may or may not fit well but will still “probably” stop a bullet. A used firearm, sometimes 20 years old or older with no maintenance record will be what you depend upon for your life. Rest assured that more often than not your equipment will be whatever was cheapest! You will be trained to the state MINIMUM standards, gray areas will often be entered in training as your given a poorly photocopied and dated handout to read on your own time for your official training. Sometimes you will go your entire carrier without getting a refresher on some of the courses you had in the academy!
But that’s not all!
- How would you like to work 6 days on, 2 days off
- Rotate to midnights every 2 weeks
- Weekends, holidays are a must, every year
- Mandatory overtime, often with no notice!
- Court on your days off
- Natural disaster, blizzard, pandemic – forget your family, home and personal safety and get to work slacker.
- Morning and or afternoon court on your midnight rotation (Sleep??….Suck it up butter cup!)
- An entry-level police officer starts off making $31,965 per year on average in the US according to reported salaries by Indeed users! Finally get that used car from 2003 you’ve been eyeing up!
- You’ll have a split second to make a choice, but don’t fear! The Monday morning quarterbacks and Facebook lawyers will have your back and be sure to correct you with how they would have handled the situation better.
- Eating at a restaurant? – make sure to request they hold the spit, shards of glass and rat poison
- Dated equipment – by the rust old locker full! Some of which is known to cause crippling injury - (But it looks squared away and it’s the way we’ve always done it)
- Risk everything for people who hate you – even if your killed – the lawyers will come after your estate and leave your wife and kids in the gutter. If the Lawyers fail, you’ll be a hero and your wife and kids will get a flag of medium quality from your local Lowes etc. to fill your void.
But wait, act now and you’ll also get:
- Assaulted and injured at a rate three times higher than any other profession
- Be sent into Covid 19 areas with no training and no equipment! We’ve lost 121 officers this year alone, the next one could be you!
- Dead Bodies, yeah you get to touch and smell them, be careful of the “poppers and leakers”
- R**e victims, children beaten and molested – you get to see all their attackers get a slap on the wrist after spending weeks investigating the crimes!
- Criminals you arrest, it’s a race you’ll always loose - no matter how fast you are at the paperwork they’ll be out faster.
- Arrest someone’s kids for doing wrong? Don’t you have anything better to do? Be prepared to get berated on how petty, racist and worthless you are.
Now you’re asking, how can this get any better? For a limited time, we’re also throwing in:
- Family and friends exiting your life forever
- The family and friends that choose to still speak with you will be sure to bring up how bad “this one cop was” at fun events like Christmas, kids birthday parties and family reunions.
- Criminals and scumbags alike will use you to use the system. You’ll get put in harms way time and time again for their petty games and reckless antics.
Use promo code (Oink) now and we’ll also include these bonuses:
- Threatening your family (especially children) with murder and r**e!
- Pays cuts or frozen salaries
- PTSD from decades of horrors like burned children, rotting corpses, getting shot at, violent attacks from the very people who called you for help, blood and guts from car accidents, people who use you as their means of completing su***de and more!
- Racist - your background check made sure you weren’t, but as soon as you dawn the uniform you now are “Blue Hitler.”
- Just remember that when the time for you to get greedy and ask for standard benefits or a pay increase, you’ll get the same answer we’ve been giving you for decades “ We really appreciate the hard work you do, but its just not in the budget this year.”
BEST OF All
If you’re selfless enough to do this thankless job – You’ll forever be in the debt and gratitude of millions of great Americans who love and support you. The silent majority whose trust you have earned and respect you have won.
Hold the line, stay safe and God bless you!
