The City of Quincy, Illinois

The City of Quincy, Illinois Quincy, Illinois (in case you missed who we are). The “Gem City” so close to the Mississippi you can smell it. Moving Quincy In A General Direction.

A welcoming-ish community known for things, people, and places. (Parody page!)

09/04/2026

FAKE CITY HALL COFFEE INFRASTRUCTURE ALERT

We have just learned that Quincy is getting a 7 Brew.

Before anyone asks, NO.

There will not be another coffee election. The last one nearly destroyed this institution. People voted multiple times and nominated their spouses and grandchildren. “Home” became a serious contender. Ursa attempted foreign interference. After approximately 20 minutes of manual vote counting, we discovered that the winner WASN'T EVEN IN ILLINOIS. (Yes, I'm aware I was part of the issue. Shh.)

Fake City Hall subsequently dissolved the Board of Elections and has not issued a ballot since.

So congratulations to 7 Brew. Welcome to Quincy, whenever you get here. We wish you tremendous success, but you will not be receiving an electoral vote.

Steve has been informed. He asked what a Blondie was. We told him. He stared at us for several seconds, then commented, “Coffee used to be coffee.”

Angry Steve has also been informed. We will not be publishing his statement.

09/03/2026

YOUR DRAWER FULL OF MYSTERY ELECTRONICS HAS BEEN SUMMONED

Rep. Kyle Moore is hosting an electronics recycling event on September 19, which means this may finally be your opportunity to responsibly dispose of the technological graveyard you've been maintaining since approximately 2007.

You know the one.

Old phones. Cables belonging to devices nobody remembers owning. A router from three internet providers ago. A remote that controls nothing in your home but which you've kept because what if.

The time has come.

The event will be held on 9/19/26 from 9AM to noon at the Oakley Lindsay Center, 300 Civic Center Plaza, in Quincy, in the south parking lot. Questions about what can and can't be recycled should be directed to Rep. Moore's office by calling (217) 223-0833.

As always, check the event information before loading your vehicle, because electronics recycling events often have specific rules about what they can and cannot accept, and Fake City Hall does not want you arriving with a 2003 rear projection television the approximate dimensions of a Honda Civic. We aren't in charge of this one, friends. So we don't make the rules.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle the charger to the Nokia you haven't owned since the Bush administration.

09/02/2026

FAKE CITY HALL FACILITIES NOTICE

Employees working late at Fake City Hall are asked to please stop reporting the woman standing at the end of the third floor hallway north of the elevator.

Facilities has inspected the area. There is no woman. There is also, apparently, no third floor hallway north of the elevator.

We apologize for the confusion.

Steve has been asked about the matter.
He replied, “She isn't here for you.” We have decided this concludes our investigation.

(THIS IS SATIRE. Fake City Hall is not actually haunted.

As far as the intern knows.)

09/02/2026

QUINCY FLOCK CAMERA EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GROUP — OFFICIAL MEETING MINUTES

Meeting Date: August 31, 2026
Location: Undisclosed
Attendance: We aren't telling you.
Meeting called to order: 7:03PM

The meeting opened with the customary reminder that concerns about privacy, data collection, access, retention, and government surveillance are legitimate subjects for public discussion.

We then returned to our primary mission: Helping perfectly law abiding adults stop acting suspicious the moment they remember a camera exists. One member reported driving past a Flock camera and immediately sitting up straighter, another stopped singing, and a third suddenly became concerned that they had forgotten how turn signals work despite using one correctly approximately four seconds earlier.

All were reassured that “acting normal” is significantly harder once you begin actively trying to act normal.

OLD BUSINESS
The group revisited last month's proposal to wave at the cameras. The motion failed, since nobody could agree whether waving would look friendly, sarcastic, suspicious, or like the beginning of an extremely boring hostage video.

NEW BUSINESS
A member asked exactly what information the cameras collect, who can access it, how long it's retained, and under what circumstances it can be searched.

Everyone agreed those are excellent questions that deserve clear, factual answers from the appropriate officials.
We then spent eleven minutes discussing whether the cameras can tell when you're eating shredded cheese directly from the bag while stopped at a red light.

No conclusion was reached.

PUBLIC COMMENT
One attendee announced, “If they aren't doing anything wrong, they shouldn't care.” In response, another attendee began preparing a 46 slide PowerPoint. The chair immediately called a recess.

JOINT COMMITTEE REPORT
The Traffic Alert Support Group has requested clarification regarding whether members can be photographed while taking alternate routes. We explained that this is outside our jurisdiction. They replied that alternate routes are a state of mind. We regret ever teaching them that.

STEVE REPORT
Steve attended.

At least, we think he did.

There is no record of him arriving.

When asked his opinion of the cameras, he stared at one through the window for several seconds. The camera immediately went offline.

We are treating these events as unrelated.

ADJOURNMENT
Meeting adjourned at 8:14PM after several attendees realized they had parked directly beneath a camera and became inexplicably self conscious. The next meeting will be held at an undisclosed location that will be announced publicly on Facebook. Nobody noticed the problem with this until after adjournment.

(THIS SUPPORT GROUP IS SATIRE AND DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST. Your questions about Flock cameras, however, absolutely do, and those deserve real answers from real officials. Not Steve.)

09/01/2026

FAKE CITY HALL COMMUNITY ALERT

We regret to inform residents that Quincy's food infrastructure is experiencing significant instability. We JUST lost Cassano's after 60 years. We have barely begun processing that. And now:

Gem City Pizza and Mexican is dropping the Mexican food from its menu entirely.

Not just changing the name. THE “AND MEXICAN” ITSELF IS LEAVING US. Tacos. Enchiladas. Burritos. Gone.

The restaurant will become Gem City Pizza, we assume, which is a perfectly respectable name, but also sounds like someone took a pair of scissors to a piece of Quincy's collective childhood.
We understand that restaurants are businesses. Menus change. Costs change. Staffing changes. Difficult decisions happen.

We are choosing to understand this intellectually and reject it emotionally. Quincy residents who have spent decades saying “GemCityPizzaAndMexican” as though it were one continuous word are advised that nobody expects you to stop. You couldn't if you tried. We understand.

Fake City Hall has activated the Quincy Restaurant Cultural Preservation Protocol, which currently consists of the unpaid intern sitting in the broom closet clutching a pizza box and whispering, “First Cassano's. Now this.” Later I will probably have an emotional breakdown.

Steve has been notified.

He asked when the Mexican menu ends. We told him. He put on his coat and left without another word. We assume he's getting enchiladas.

Please remain calm. Please support your favorite local restaurants. And for the love of God, somebody put Tower in protective custody.

Quincy Fake City Hall: We have borders. We apparently do not have food security. This is bull.

FAKE CITY HALL HAS ENTERED A PERIOD OF MOURNINGWe regret to inform you that we have received news far more devastating t...
08/28/2026

FAKE CITY HALL HAS ENTERED A PERIOD OF MOURNING

We regret to inform you that we have received news far more devastating than any road closure, boil order, questionable municipal decision, or talking catfish could have prepared us for.

Quincy's Cassano's is closing.

After 60 years of serving Quincy, they'll remain open through Sunday, provided they have the means to keep serving.

WE ARE NOT OKAY.

Sixty years of pizza. Sixty years of families ordering dinner because nobody wanted to cook, of birthday parties, Friday nights, lunches, takeout boxes, arguments over toppings, and that very specific Cassano's pizza that you either understand immediately or cannot have adequately explained to you. And tuna boats. Oh my god, tuna boats.

Businesses come and go, but when somewhere has been part of a community for six decades, it stops being just another restaurant, t becomes part of people's memories. And as someone with wonderful memories tied to Cassano's, this one hurts. Personally.

Thank you to every employee, past and present, who kept the ovens hot and Quincy fed for all these years. ❤️

The Hannibal location remains open, which means Cassano's has now joined Hebrews XI Coffee in forcing us to cross into Missouri for things that should rightfully belong to Quincy. 😭

Our borders have betrayed us again.

Fake City Hall encourages everyone who loves Cassano's to stop in before Sunday if they're able, be kind to the employees during what is undoubtedly a difficult weekend, tip well, and understand that they may run out of things.

Please do not make an already emotional situation harder for the people working there.

Steve has lowered the Fake City Hall flag to half-staff. We told him we don't actually have a flag specific to Fake City Hall. He said, “We do now.”

Rest easy, Quincy Cassano's.

1966–2026.

Thank you for 60 years. ❤️

A SMALL NOTE FROM FAKE CITY HALLWe usually reserve this space for road closures, municipal nonsense, talking catfish and...
08/25/2026

A SMALL NOTE FROM FAKE CITY HALL

We usually reserve this space for road closures, municipal nonsense, talking catfish and whatever Steve is doing.

But today we lost Dolly Parton.

As far as we can determine, Dolly never performed in Quincy or had any particular connection to our little city on the Mississippi. If we're wrong, please feel free to correct us, and if you have pictures of her here, please share them!

Her kindness did wonders here though.

Through Dolly Parton's Imagination Library, children right here in our community have been able to receive free books, part of a program she created because a woman who became one of the most famous entertainers in the world never forgot where she came from or how much opportunity matters.

Dolly was a songwriter, singer, actress, businesswoman and cultural icon who also spent decades quietly putting books into children's hands, supporting people who needed help, and proving that enormous success and enormous generosity don't have to be mutually exclusive.

You didn't have to know her, or like country music, or even live anywhere near Tennessee. (We certainly haven't.) Her life made the world a little kinder anyway, and some Quincy kids have books on their shelves because Dolly Parton existed. That's worth remembering today.

Rest easy, Dolly. ❤️

Fake City Hall will return to its regularly scheduled nonsense shortly. Steve has requested that we leave the flag alone and simply play some Dolly today. For once, nobody argued with him.

08/22/2026

FAKE CITY HALL COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT EXERCISE

After the catastrophic administrative failure that was the Great Quincy Coffee Election (during which you voted multiple times, nominated your spouses and grandchildren, suggested businesses outside city limits, and ultimately elected a winner IN ANOTHER STATE), we have learned an important lesson.

Never give you people ballots.

So this weekend we're trying something considerably safer: Explain Quincy, Illinois to someone who's never been here before.

You get ONE SENTENCE. That's it. Funny? Fine. Sincere? Fine. Affectionate? Fine. Mildly judgmental? Obviously fine. Even encouraged, as long as it isn't blatantly against Facebook's ToS. But ONE. SENTENCE.

Not a paragraph. Not your memoir, or a ranked list, not “well technically West Quincy...”

We are not doing this again.

We'll start:
“Quincy is a beautiful historic river town where everyone is separated by approximately three degrees of acquaintance and somehow every trip across town eventually involves Broadway.”

Your turn.

One sentence. No winners. No votes. No recount. The Fake City Hall Board of Elections has been permanently dissolved.

Steve's answer was, “It has changed.” Goddammit, Steve.

08/21/2026

CITY OF QUINCY RIVERFRONT ADVISORY

Residents are advised that an unusually large catfish has been spotted near the Quincy riverfront.

This would not normally warrant a public notice. Unfortunately, it appears to know English.

Witnesses report the catfish has been surfacing periodically and asking pedestrians increasingly personal questions about their families, jobs, and is even potentially attempting to invoke an existential crisis in passers by (it supposedly asked someone, "You ever think about what could've been?")

Please do not engage. The catfish does not know you, it just wants you to think it does.

Steve has been dispatched to the riverfront. The catfish saw him approaching and immediately submerged. We do not know what this means but we assume that Steve had some kind of telepathic connection with it???

(THIS IS SATIRE. THERE IS NO TALKING CATFISH.)

(Probably.)

08/21/2026

CITY OF QUINCY ROAD ALERT

Oh, good. We were getting nervous there for a sec.

The westbound lane of Maine Street from 3rd to 2nd will be closed TODAY, Friday, August 21, from 10:00AM to 3:00PM for concrete work, weather permitting.

Eastbound remains open.

Please use caution, consider an alternate route, and remember what we learned at Traffic Alert Support Group: An alternate route is not a specific road. It is a state of mind.

We believe in you.

Fake City Hall will continue providing emotional support as infrastructure occurs around you, your home, your place of employment, and wherever it feels compelled to appear.

Address

730 Maine Street
Quincy, IL
62301

Telephone

+12172284500

Website

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