07/12/2025
In regards to all y’all wanting to move here to Mid Michigan or further north from New England, California, and many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as all those wanting to just simply visit...
Before you come to Michigan, you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, in the rural areas of the Mid to Northern part of the State. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing near lake Michigan or Silver lake this summer, I think you should know that there are brown recluse spiders, waterbugs, needle ants, and pesticide resistant bedbugs have infested AirBnBs and hotels across the state due to persistent heat and humidity. And if your plan is to go camping? The woods might eat you up with Lyme carrying ticks, West Nile infected mosquitoes, and chiggers the size of nickels.
Our lakes are full of pike that'll bite your toes clean off, fresh water sharks, and creepy rednecks in jean daisy dukes cut so short that you can see their giblets.
Floods, wildfires, and heat advisories are rampant right now. Winter ain’t much better. The ice storms are known to take out our electricity for days at a time. And the tornadoes? Smh, we're breaking records this season.
Our rivers are full of drunk transplants in tubes peeing themselves while local banjo players lay waiting in the bushes whispering about pretty mouths.
Black bears and bobcats are forming prides. They roam the streets at night looking for domesticated animals and small children.
The Chippewa, Cherokee, and Granny Witches have teamed up to form multicultural covens focused on driving off outsiders with a unique blend of hoodoo, Native, and Michigander folk magic.
The local elk and coyote populations are all 'in heat:” they aren’t particular. Everyone is in danger of being dittled right now.
Snakes... we have plenty! Don’t even get me started on the wolves that are making a huge come back, and the cottonmouth diamond back vipers.
If it’s green, don’t touch it. The hogweed and poison ivy and poison sumac has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets. Rattlers have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the snipes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
We have a Big Foot (better known as Dog-Man) infestation. They’re invading our parks and it’s their mating season. If one of them spots you, it's probably too late. Nice knowing ya. Possums are biting small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
Raccoons have multiplied at an unprecedented rate and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer and whiskey.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets. Scorpions? They’ve been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles. Even worse are the tarantulas that are stealing people’s food and biting like crazy.
You’re not safe at the beach either. Someone found a poisonous Cone snail shell recently and swarms of man o’ wars are washing up on the sand. There’s prehistoric fish called Sturgeon lurking off the shoreline of lake Superior and lake Michigan too. They're big and they've been known to swallow small children whole.
I’m pretty sure the ghosts are turning against transplants. Reports of unexplained disturbances are rolling in from historic sites, homes, and communities in both upper and lower Michigan. Folks have claimed they’ve been attacked in their sleep, levitated off the bed, and pushed down stairs.
Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats. Both carry rabies.
All locals have guns - and they use them if they perceive a threat. By the way, they seem to be itching for an excuse to get roudy.
Oh, and no one is vaccinated.
In Michigan, we care about your safety. Please be smart! We hear Maine and Utah are real nice.
Signed,
"The people of Michigan"
There's enough people here already. Go somewhere else.
