07/31/2014
Although you may be forgiven for thinking that Germany won the World Cup in Brazil a few weeks ago, let us assure you that this is not the REAL truth. Of course, a German team did win a trophy in Brazil, that much is true, but what the general public doesn't know is that the "official" world cup was contested by advanced cyborgs designed specifically to imitate footballers so that the real tournament could take place uninterrupted. This was almost exposed after the Brazilbots glitched and conceded 7 goals against Germany, but they cleverly managed to convince the world that they were just really s**t. Whilst all this was unfolding in Brazil, the REAL world cup was taking place in secret on the Pacific island of Rotuma. Here the world's elite watched the actual tournament. The secret tournament follows the same format as the fake one, but with different teams, and slightly different rules. For example, instead of receiving a red card for a nasty tackle, the player is beheaded on-field for the amusement of the spectators and then placed on a spit for the post-match feast. Also, instead of being banned, the use of performance enhancing drugs is encouraged so that the games become more
interesting. The North Korean team entered the tournament as heavy favourites after months of heavy training in their scientifically advanced coaching bases. The existence of these bases was covered up by the glorious leader Kim-Jong Un convincing the public they were just regular old death camps. The North Koreans sweeped through their group easily, the highlight being the 6-0 trashing of China, with the glorious leader himself scoring 4 and setting
up the other two. Victories against Croatia, Iran and Peru set up a final with Tahiti. The Koreans expected another easy victory, but they didn't count on Tahiti's secret weapon, the genetically enhanced Adolf Hi**er. Hi**er had retired to Tahiti after starting a small fight in Poland that got out of hand. He doubled as a manager and star striker for the Tahiti team. The stage was set for an epic showdown between two of the best players on the planet. It was Hi**er who would prevail though, netting a hat-trick after distracting Kim with a rack of baby-back ribs. The secret celebrations lasted long into the night as these leaked photo's from Hi**er's iPod reveal.
