17/04/2023
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
We often hear this phrase when it refers to raising children. As a mother of two amazing children I believe in that statement as well, but I don’t think that is the only time it applies.
A year ago I went through a divorce. A year doesn’t seem long enough and it isn’t. A year isn’t long enough to deal through all the stages of grief, to deal with the uncertainties, the brokenness, mourning, and having to cope with the transitions and all the aspects of loss of what I thought would be forever.
The stages of grief is best presented in “not a neatly defined process” - some days you face all stages in one day. In those days you find the courage to keep going; knowing that your village will be there for you, as you will be there for your village too.
Reflecting on my divorce; I did not have much in terms of things - but I had friends that comforted me, and provided a safe harbour for both me and my kids. My friend keeping an eye on my daughters sugar levels when I was breaking inside, and covered school events because I couldn’t stand to see my ex. Held me while I shook with unbearable pain. Sat with me when I couldn’t see light and was battling darkness.
This is how a village operates.
One amazing friend, providing shelter, another would make sure to provide common sense and prayers. Those that live further away sending words of love and encouragement. The pizza and company friends that would just be in my space to share the burden, and often rants about divorces, and my ex. The finalisation of the divorce brought friends to my side that I did not have to be alone.
My best friend; a dietician would make sure I eat, and raised her concern when I was losing too much weight. The comic friend would send me memes showing I am loved and still capable of laughter. An empathetic friend that would listen to 10 minutes voice notes about my ramblings and concerns. A responsible friend, speaking sense, empathising and being there in any way possible. The School’s Principal being gentle, and supportive in keeping my kids in a safe environment and not mentioning school fees. When my body felt like it was falling apart, the BSR Practitioner helping to deal with the trauma. The long term effects of weight-loss, lack of appetite, depression was a lot to carry, and the ability to release some of the locked in stress was welcome. One year down the line I still need to see her because my body forgets that I am safe and goes back into fight or flight and causes a range of challenges.
I am blessed to say I have a village.
In trauma it is important to look at the emotional aspects. I had a psychologist and psychiatrist. I was taking the needed medications. I was trying to be responsible in all aspects, but sometimes not even that is enough.
We often want to be an island because we feel “safer” when people can’t reach us. We want to be ok but I want to encourage everyone to find your village, find your tribe that can support and lift you up when you can’t see the light of day.
When I couldn’t keep going my village stepped in.
What I mentioned was in the heat of it all, but my village still looks out for me and I for them. We need each other to cope in a very broken and fallen world. We need each other to provide stability when we stumble, and to confirm there is still good in this world. To discuss our fears when things get difficult, and of course to celebrate the triumphs too. We need our people, because ultimately our people support us, they weave the safety net that we often need in our lives.
