10/28/2026
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PENNSYLVANIA, Pa.—The Reading-Berks Hotdog Society has launched an investigation into whether Pennsylvania Treasurer and gubernatorial candidate Stacy Garrity is actually a sophisticated robotic shell operated by a coalition of highly organized squirrels. The theory emerged after RBHS analysts connected Garrity’s background in finance, military service and oversight of billions in state assets to what they describe as “suspiciously advanced nut-based behavior.” Sources within the Society’s Department of Squirrel Affairs believe the rodents may be using the Treasurer’s office to gain access to Pennsylvania’s financial infrastructure, potentially funding their long-rumored campaign to control every bird feeder in Berks County. Garrity’s official biography makes no mention of squirrel-related activities, though investigators consider that omission “exactly what a squirrel-piloted robot would want us to think.” The Society has requested access to her charging port, a full accounting of all acorn-related expenditures and confirmation that she has never once paused mid-sentence to make a tiny chittering noise. Until answers are provided, RBHS advises Pennsylvanians to remain vigilant, secure their birdseed and never trust a squirrel wearing a human politician.
