08/31/2026
Dear Liz,
I need an answer to a difficult question, and I don't know to whom I can turn.
I truly support the rights and equality of the LGBTQ+ community ... no LGBTQ+ member has communicated to me directly, one way or the other, that they would consider me an ally, and my admitted lack of first-hand knowledge makes me think that to claim to be an ally would be presumptive on my part.
My acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community has been primarily implicit, and occasionally echoed in shared Facebook posts.
Can I be so bold as to call myself an ally? Such as using an Ally flag as my FB profile?
My primary concern is to avoid offending anyone with an appearance of caring that might be interpreted as false or pretentious.
Am I overthinking this?
______________
Dear Am I overthinking this?
Thank you for asking this so thoughtfully. I actually think your hesitation about calling yourself an ally is a healthy one.
Rather than feeling like you need to identify yourself as an ally, I think it's perfectly fine - and sometimes preferable - to simply say, “I support LGBTQ+ people and LGBTQ+ equality.”
And if you do talk about allyship, you might say that you're committed to continuing to learn how to be a good ally.
I think there's an important humility in that.
“Ally” can be a complicated word because LGBTQ+ people understandably have pretty high standards for the people they consider allies. Many have also had experiences with people who publicly called themselves allies but disappeared when supporting LGBTQ+ people became uncomfortable, unpopular or costly. So there can sometimes be skepticism when someone claims the title for themselves.
Being an ally is about much more than acceptance or opinions. It means listening to LGBTQ+ people, educating ourselves, speaking up when we hear misinformation or prejudice, supporting LGBTQ+ equality with our actions and our votes, and being willing to stand with the community even when doing so is uncomfortable or unpopular.
And sometimes allyship doesn't feel particularly good. We may get something wrong. We may be corrected or criticized by the very people we're trying to support. We may be criticized by friends, family or others because we are supporting LGBTQ+ people. Part of being a good ally is being willing to listen, learn and keep showing up anyway.
That's why I tend to think of being an ally as something we continually work at rather than something we achieve.
As for the Ally flag, Real Mama Bears actually recommends against using it. For us, the Ally flag feels unnecessary and somewhat performative because it puts the focus on heteros*xual and cisgender people when allyship should be about celebrating and uplifting LGBTQ+ people.
If you'd like to use a flag on your Facebook profile to communicate your support, I'd recommend the Progress Pride Flag instead. It keeps the LGBTQ+ community at the center while making your solidarity very clear.
So I don't think you need to worry about proving that you're an ally or claiming the title. Keep learning. Keep listening. Keep speaking up. Keep supporting LGBTQ+ people and their rights.
Over time, your actions will say far more about your commitment to LGBTQ+ people than any label or flag ever could.
Sending love & light,
Liz
